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Farin

The Jokes Thread - Relaunched

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A barefoot country boy was carrying a water pail full of live fish away from a small lake when he was approached by a Tennessee game warden. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license, please?"

"Don't have one, sir," replied the fish wrangler. "Don't need one either. These here are my personal pet fish."

"Pet fish?" the warden scoffed.

"Yep. Once a week, I bring my fish down here to the lake and let 'em swim around for awhile. Then, when I do a certain whistle, they swim right back into this bucket and I take 'em home."

"What a bunch of bull! You're under arrest!"

The hayseed said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. We do this every week!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The hillbilly released the fish into the lake and the two stood with arms crossed over chest staring into the water. After a few minutes, a couple of curious fisherman sauntered over to see what the two were looking at. That's when the warden said to his suspect, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the bumpkin.

"When are you going to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"What fish?"

......

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In the confessional with a 14 year-old boy:

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, Joey Pagino?

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry Father, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed, Father."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very loyal. I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for the next 4 months. Now, you go and behave yourself."

Joey exits the confessional, walks the side aisle and sits down in a pew. His best friend, Frankie, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"A four month vacation and four outstanding leads."

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Last time I was in the states, Miami Sammy calls to say he has a killer jigsaw puzzle and would I help him put it together. I say. 'Sure, what's it supposed to be?' He says according to the picture on the box it's a rooster. I go over, he meets me at the door and is all excited about putting the puzzle together. Says he's already spread the pieces on the kitchen table and is ready to get started. We sit down and he asks me, 'Where do we start?' So I say, 'Why don't you light up another doobie, while I put all these Corn Flakes back in the box and then we'll rent a movie.'

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad."

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little brat's name is Johnny." :D

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men in ragged clothes on the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "I have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us too."

The second man, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it, friend. You'll really love my house. I'd guess the lawn hasn't been mowed in over a month!"

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“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a highly trained medical professional. In over 20 years I’ve never laughed because of a patient's condition.”

“Okay then,” said Fred, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

It had a length and width almost identical to a AA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was giggling when she said she wouldn't.

Feeling terrible that she had laughed at the man’s genitals, she composed herself as well as she could.

“I’m so sorry, sir” she said. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen,” Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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