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The Jokes Thread - Relaunched


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A cop calls in to report a shooting on his radio:   " It appears that an elderly woman shot her husband because he walked across the floor she just mopped" Captain: "Well did you arrest her?"  Cop: "N

What a women says and man hears!

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

[smaller]blah blah blah blah blah[/smaller] C'MON!

YOU AND I [smaller]blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah[/smaller] ON THE FLOOR [smaller]blah

blah blah[/smaller] NO CLOTHES [smaller]blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah [/smaller]RIGHT NOW!

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I may have posted this before, but it's still amusing enough for a repeat.

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

NUMBER 4: "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to."

NUMBER 3: "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!"

NUMBER 2: "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

NUMBER 1: (Raising your head slowly) "... in Jesus' name, Amen."

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A Confession

I can keep this deep, dark secret no longer. Forgive me but I'm going to unburden myself and tell you something very personal. I hope I can trust you.

Back in the 60's I worked as a male prostitute servicing young, beautiful women in the Philadelphia Metropolitan Area. It was wrong, I know. But I'm not ashamed to say that I worked hard for the money. (ifyouknowwhatImean).

Thank you for understanding.

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Top 18 Mitch Hedberg Quotes:

18. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

17. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna -- somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself."

16. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

15. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-b*tch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

14. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

13. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

12. A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.

11. I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!"

10. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

9. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

8. I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.

7. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f**k’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

6. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

5. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

4. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus"...one of those two doesn't sound right.

3. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

2. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f**ks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

1. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

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Too bad he died though, another quote of his that I liked...

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

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  • 1 month later...

Huh?

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well

as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject,

he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal

test the husband could perform to give the doctor a

better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor,

"stand about 40 feet away from her, and say something in a

normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,

and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking

dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself,

"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks,

'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen,

about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is

about 20 feet from his wife and asks,

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10

feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph!, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!"

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