miamisammy29 Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 What an ungrateful b*tch that wife is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted September 23, 2008 Report Share Posted September 23, 2008 I would have laced the beer with laxatives.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foolonthehill Posted September 24, 2008 Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 Since she's the one doing the laundry, I wouldn't think that would be a great idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted September 24, 2008 Report Share Posted September 24, 2008 Unless it's on the spin cycle . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted October 6, 2008 Report Share Posted October 6, 2008 A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second mom, Ann and said ''Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted October 6, 2008 Report Share Posted October 6, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 I may have posted this before, but it still cracks me up, so here it is again... A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. ‘You know what?’ says the 6 year old. ‘I think it’s about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, ‘When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with h*ll and you say something with *ss.’ The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, ‘Aw, h*ll, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.’ WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, ‘You can stay there until I let you out!’ She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’ I don’t know, he blubbers, ‘but you can bet your fat *ss it won’t be Cheerios!’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 That reminds me of something my granddaughter Sophie did when she was 2 years old. It was the week before Thanksgiving and Joann and I had taken Soph grocery shopping with us. When we got home Joann and Soph waited in the doorway as I unloaded the bags of groceries from the car and carried them to the door. On one trip up the steps I carried a bag with a 28 pound frozen turkey in it. Halfway up the steps the bag broke and the turkey tumbled out onto the steps. I muttered under my breath (or so I thought) F * * * in' turkey". Nothing more said, I picked up the turkey and we finished what we were doing. Later after all the groceries had been put away I was sitting in my recliner reading the newspapaer when Sophie wandered into the den holding one of her dolls. She stopped in the middle of the room and tossed her doll to the floor and muttered, "F * * *in' doll!" Joann and I laughed our asses off and couldn't wait to tell her Dad. It's one of my favorite memories of her at that age. I can't wait to tell her about it when she's old enough. I hope I'm still around then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 That is hilarious, Joe! You are a good grandpa, corrupting her at such a young age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted October 7, 2008 Report Share Posted October 7, 2008 She admires you, UncleJoe!!! I bet you´re her hero... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 Hehehe Joe...When my girls were little, they repeated the "F" word in Italian...after hearing their Grandpa saying it also... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 And I'll be Grandpa loved it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 Oh yeah, he got quite the chuckle out of it, everytime... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 The MAN test 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: a) lovemaking screwing c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship your blood-test results c) five tequila slammers 3. You time your orgasm so that: a) your partner climaxes first you both climax simultaneously c) you don't miss SportsCenter 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: a) healthy, creative love-play not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: a) the best part of the experience the second best part of the experience c) $100.00 extra 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is: a) no concern of yours not a problem c) a conservative estimate 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: a) a myth a oxymoron c) gay 8. Foreplay is to sex as: a) appetizer is to entree primer is to paint c) a line is to an amusement park ride 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? a) "I hope we can still be friends." "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU" 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy is uptight and a waste of time c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times... YOU DA MAN! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted October 8, 2008 Report Share Posted October 8, 2008 That one got a guilty laugh out of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 I'm still laughing over choice "C" for question 10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MindCrime Posted October 9, 2008 Report Share Posted October 9, 2008 So am I, now, I didn't even notice that one before, I was still laughing over #5-C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted October 13, 2008 Report Share Posted October 13, 2008 The Haircut One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a thank-you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank-you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank-you card and a dozen different books, such as "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful." Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted October 14, 2008 Report Share Posted October 14, 2008 Muy bueno, Jenny!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted October 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 A rich, dying man, laid on his deathbed, requested to be joined at his bedside by his vicar, his bank manager and his lawyer. He instructed them that he wished to be buried, when he finally passed away, along with all his money. He gave each of them fifty thousand pounds and asked them to throw the money on top of his coffin, in the burial plot, when he died. A couple of days later the old man passed away and was buried within the week. At the wake, the three men were chatting and the vicar was suddenly overcome with guilt. He confessed to the other two that he had only thrown only half of the money onto the coffin, as the church needed urgent repairs to the roof. The bank manager thought, ‘What the heck if we are having a confession,’ and told the other two men that he had also only thrown half the money in, as the ‘Credit Crunch’ was hitting hard and he needed some money for the bank to stop it going bust. The lawyer jumped up and said to the other two, ‘I think that is a shameful act on both of you. I threw a cheque in for the full amount!†Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted October 18, 2008 Report Share Posted October 18, 2008 The Hubby A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.' He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back, towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. And tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair"? The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess"!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 A little Halloween season humor. Very little. A man was walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears:! BUMP...BUMP...BUMP. Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP..BUMP...BUMP. Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. Clappity-BUMP...Clappity-BUMP...Clappity-BUMP. On his heels the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything. But all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... ...and The coffin stops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 Gah I laughed!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now