The Jokes Thread - Relaunched

[_Laurie_]

Redneck Children

"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil."

"But you named the last eleven Phil."

"Yeah its great. I say Phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by their last name."

[MindCrime]

While walking through the woods, a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says,

"Well, OK..."

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, car keys, wrist-watch, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree buck naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him tenderly behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day, sweetheart."

[The Seeker]

to all of those

[Jenny]

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about two hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed : 'God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards upstream, and walked across the bridge.

[Uncle Joe]

...and promptly fell into the river while nya nyaing the two men.

[miamisammy29]

Nah, the two guys drowned her when they met up again.

[_Laurie_]

Stolen Car

A guy walks inside a store after leaving his convertible top open.

A blonde walks in the store.

Blonde: Is that your convertible out there? Guy: Yeah why?

Blonde: 'Cuz I just saw someone steal it.

Guy: Well did you get what they looked like?

Blonde: No, even better! I got the license plate number!

[MindCrime]

That one forced a guilty laugh from me.

[Batman]

read this one in the new issue of Rolling Stone (they had a special about the new age of comedy)

A man goes to the doctor, and the doctor says "sir, you've got to stop masturbating." "Why doc?" asks the man. The doctor replies, "so I can start the examination."

[Uncle Joe]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag?

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man of about 12 inches tall and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

'Where on earth did you get that?' asked the surprised bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here, Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant yo u one wish - just one.'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

The man replies...

'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[The Seeker]

[miamisammy29]

JOEEEYYYY!

[edna]

That´s one of my favorite jokes ever!!! too bad it can hardly be translated into any other language...

[Kevin]

I guess I'm a ' wish' come true , then ... ( Booo! Hiss! )

[_Laurie_]

Forgive Me Father

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"...."4 months vacation and five good leads!"

[Farin]

Why did the Pirate go to the Movies?

Because it was rated "ARRRRRRRR"!!

that's right, today is

[_Laurie_]

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shat!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[Blue Fish]

I LOLed then the image came to my mind......*____*

[MindCrime]

A dumb pirate-related kid's joke...

A kid was dressed as a pirate for halloween. When he knocked on a door, a man dressed as Zorro answered and the kid said "Trick or Treat". The man dressed as Zorro asked the kid dressed as a pirate, "Where are your buccaneers?" The kid responded "Where are your buccan eyes?"

[Shawna]

Narrator: The pirate Yellowbeard captured many other galleons, killing over five-hundred men in cold blood. He would tear the captains hearts out and swallow them whole. Often forcing his victims to eat their own lips, he was caught and imprisoned... for tax evasion.

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Betty: That's Yellowbeard.

Yellowbeard: I'm in disguise, you stupid tart!

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Yellowbeard: Where's the map?

Betty: What map?

Yellowbeard: If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your t*ts to the table!

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Dan: Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map.

Yellowbeard: Bugger them! I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.

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Betty: Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.

Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.

Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.

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Yellowbeard: I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.

Betty: Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side, but not fatal dear.

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Harvey "Blind" Pew: It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble.

Moon: Squabble? They're all dead!

Harvey "Blind" Pew: Oh! Must have been more of a tiff then.

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Flunkie: The fat one on the throne is the queen. She's not very well today, so I should kneel upwind of her.

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Yellowbeard: Who're you talkin' about?

Betty: The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers.

Yellowbeard: Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em

[MarcM]

A dumb pirate-related kid's joke...

A kid was dressed as a pirate for halloween. When he knocked on a door, a man dressed as Zorro answered and the kid said "Trick or Treat". The man dressed as Zorro asked the kid dressed as a pirate, "Where are your buccaneers?" The kid responded "Where are your buccan eyes?"

i HAD ALWAYS HEARD THE PUNCH LINE AS, "uNDER MY BUCCIN' HAT!"

[Mars88]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

[Lea]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 19th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough.

He went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherrybomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri and West Virginia.

[MindCrime]

I'm going to have to send that one to some of my relatives back home in Missouri.

[Uncle Joe]

A man came home from his Sunday morning golf and sat in his recliner, happy to be home and relaxing as he flipped on the TV to watch the football game.

He called to his wife, "Honey, bring me a beer before it starts."

Somewhat irritated but willing to fulfill her hard-working husband's wish, she got a beer from the refrigerator and promptly delivered it to her reclining husband.

He immediately began drinking it, and not more than fifteen minutes later he called to his wife a second time, "Honey, grab another beer for me before it starts."

Now truly annoyed but unwilling to get into an argument, the wife stomped into the kitchen, snatched a beer from the refrigerator and tossed it at her reclining husband as she walked past him.

Once again, he immediately began guzzling the beer, and about ten minutes later he called out to his wife a third time, "Honey, bring me another beer will you? It's just about to start."

Now at the end of her rope, the wife stormed through the house into the kitchen, all the while speaking to him in an angry voice about how she was not put on this earth to be a slave to the opposite sex and that she was not going to be her husband's own personal bartender for the entire afternoon. She had had a busy morning too having talked to his mother for over an hour on the phone, ironing his clothes, preparing his lunch and Dammit, she expected some peace and quiet for herself for a change. She jerked open the refrigerator, grabbed a beer, and slammed the refrigerator closed. She continued ranting as she reached her reclining husband and threw the third beer at him.

Opening the beer her husband looked up at her, sighed and said "Awww, too late. It's started".