The Jokes Thread - Relaunched

[_Laurie_]

Math Boy

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and Started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card.

He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on The first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[Tenacious_Peaches]

[Jenny]

hilarious!

[edna]

[Uncle Joe]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting 13!....13!....13!

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Just then one of the bastards poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting 14!...14!...14!

[miamisammy29]

[_Laurie_]

Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in???'

[Kevin]

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A. Money

---------

Steven Wright Quotes

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

[_Laurie_]

^^^^^^I Love Steven Wright!

On Sale

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks in into the shopping cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he says.

"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart.

"What do you think you're doing?"' asks the man.,

"'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies..."So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

[edna]

See? Just like I said in some other thread... you tell the best jokes, Laurie...

UncleJoe is a great joketeller too... must be that Italian charm...

[_Laurie_]

Hehehe, thanks Edna...

[Uncle Joe]

Tante grazi, edna. Tu sei una ragazza molto intelligensa.

[edna]

Mais bien sûr, voyons!!

[Uncle Joe]

Merci.

[Blue Fish]

[_Laurie_]

The Facial

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me."

"How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Jenny]

[skybluesky]

A woman asked her husband to pay for her breast enlargement surgery. He said "honey, if you want bigger breasts, I've got a much cheaper solution" and handed her some toilet paper and told her to rub her chest with it. The woman was baffled and asked her husband how toilet paper could fix her problem. Her husband replied, "well, you've been rubbing toilet paper on your butt all these years and that has certainly gotten bigger."

[_Laurie_]

[Jenny]

A MAN enters a resturant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[MindCrime]

To All My Drinking buddies,

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the sh*t out of me!

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

[MuzikTyme]

I remember once this guy at a pub. I came in and he bought me a beer. I thought he was a nice guy...

Then, all of a sudden, he started telling me about his life. . . He started out as a preacher's son. Then, went on to be a star football player! Fought Vietnam as well as Desert Storm!

He said he wrote a book of his travels, journeys and misfortunes. I was impressed.

It was then that I said, "My friend, you have been through so much! I can't even think of how I'd be in that situation! Is there anything you regret?"

He then replied, "Yes, I have a tendency to lie a little bit."

[blind-fitter]

Davina was very upset, as her accountant husband Nick had passed away.

She visited the mortuary to look at her dearly departed and the

instant she saw him she started to cry.

Seeing this, one of the attendants came over to comfort her.

Through her tears she explained that she was upset because Nick was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a

pin-stripe suit.

The attendant apologised and explained that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

The next day Davina returned to the mortuary to have one last moment with Nick before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant drew back the curtain, Davina managed to smile through her tears as Nick was now wearing a smart pin-stripe suit. She asked the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful pin-stripe suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a lawyer about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a pin-stripe suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit", the attendant replied.

"After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around."

[daslied]

Nice.

[Farin]