SoulGirl Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 ^ excellent! what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? homeless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Hey! Guitarists are cool! But those are all true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Also in the interest of fairness: An Irish women is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts. A nearby Guard approaches her and remarks, "Madam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" asks the women. "Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed." "Oh my goodness," exclaims the women, "I left my baby on the bus!" --- Where is cleanliness next to godliness? In the Irish dictionary. --- Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Georgia? If it had been invented anywhere else, they would have called it a teethbrush. --- What did the average Georgian get on his SAT? Drool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Hey, wait a damned minute... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulGirl Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 very bold das! people will think that woman was me now but to set the record straight i do not, i repeat, do not... have a baby! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Are you saying you walk around with your blouse open for no reason, then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Baby or no baby - no matter as long as a boob hangs out. Peaches, did it take you a minute to get those? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Okay, I have tears in my eyes from laughing at all these jokes. I haven't gotten any good ones to share lately, but these all made my morning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Peaches, did it take you a minute to get those? I'll give you 4 guesses as to which finger I am holding up to my monitor. **************** Q: How do you know when you're staying in a South Carolina hotel? A: "When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead." **************** State Mottos: South Carolina: Just south of North Carolina North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable **************** 2000 Federal Census for North Carolina Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box) (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior (_) Sissy (_) Other___________________ Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher Spouse's Name:_________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name:_____________________ 3rd Spouse's Name:_____________________ Lover's Name:__________________________ Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box) (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: _____ Number of children living in shed: ______ Number that are yours: ______ Mother's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own: ___ Number of vehicles that still crank: ___ Number of vehicles in front yard: ___ Number of vehicles in back yard: ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___ Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: 196___ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____ How often do you bathe: (_) Weekly (_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____ Color of hair: (_) Blond (_) Black (_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black (_) N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles (_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Jack Black died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoulGirl Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Are you saying you walk around with your blouse open for no reason, then? Baby or no baby - no matter as long as a boob hangs out. read the signature, people! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Jack Black died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Eddie Griffin, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 (edited) Don't forget Kevin Smith and the entire line up of Ready for the World. Edited May 16, 2007 by Guest I added rockons instead of neeners. Sue me, okay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 And the 80's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 And snarky bastards who live in the Carolinas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daslied Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 And bangs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Or: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum-machine? With a drum-machine you only have to punch the information in once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 And bangs. And snarky bastards who live in the Carolinas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted May 16, 2007 Report Share Posted May 16, 2007 Or: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum-machine? With a drum-machine you only have to punch the information in once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted May 17, 2007 Report Share Posted May 17, 2007 I've been reading all these jokes... I got tears in my eyes! As a drummer I must say that we are the most picked-on group of people in any rock band! But is funny stuff though! The deep-south jokes just broke my rib! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted May 17, 2007 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2007 Children - Where Do They Get Their Ideas From? A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead." she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." -------------------------------------------------- A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-d...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" -------------------------------------------------- An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'" -------------------------------------------------- One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?". The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear" she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room". A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy". -------------------------------------------------- It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?". The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron.". -------------------------------------------------- When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!". I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy". "I know", she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?" -------------------------------------------------- A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped "What are you doing?" The little boy answered "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes", he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." -------------------------------------------------- One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' ". The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?". One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: "Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!". The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted May 17, 2007 Report Share Posted May 17, 2007 "Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!". Well, that's what I would say. Great jokes, Dude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted May 17, 2007 Report Share Posted May 17, 2007 Toll! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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