Tenacious_Peaches Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 Hysterical! I love The Onion, TimLizzy. This is one of my favorite articles by them. I laughed until I cried. I wouldn't be surprised if no one got it, but I think it is hilarious. Retired SW1s Recalled to Active Duty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarcM Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 They had some good dance moves for being so angry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheLizard Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 "No one is happy to execute this order," the source said. "Unfortunately, so long as the show is under siege by a constant stream of potential bum-rushers, there seems to be no end in sight for this conflict. We may have too much posse, but we still require the critical support of the S1Ws. Yeeeeaaaaaah, boyyyyyyy!" Sister Souljah could not be reached for comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarcM Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 > > Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary: > > 8:00 am: Dog food! My favorite thing! > > 9:30 am : A car ride! My favorite thing! > > 9:40 am: Walk in the park! My favorite thing! > > 10:30 am : Got rubbed and petted! My favorite > thing! > > 12:00 pm: Lunch! My favorite thing! > > 1:00 pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing! > > 3:00 pm : Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! > > 5:00 pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing! > > 7:00 pm : Got to play ball! My favorite thing! > > 8:00 pm : Wow! Watched TV with my master! My > favorite thing! > > 11:00 pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! > > > > Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: > > Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to > taunt me with bizarre > dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, > while the other > inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry > nuggets. > Although I make my contempt for the rations > perfectly clear, I > nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up > my strength. The > only thing that keeps me going is my dream of > escape.. In an attempt to > disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor. > > Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its > headless body at their > feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their > hearts, since it > clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, > they merely made > patronizing comments bout what a "good little > hunter" I am. > > The audacity! There was some sort of assembly with > their accomplices > tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for > the duration of the > event. However, I could hear the noises and smell > the food. I overheard > that my confinement was due to the power of > "allergies." I must learn > what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. > > Today I was almost successful in an attempt to > assassinate one of my > tormentors by crawling around his feet as he was > walking. I must try > this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the > stairs. > > I am convinced that the other prisoners here are > grovelers and > snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is > regularly > released-- and seems to be more than willing to > return. He is obviously > retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I > observe him > communicating with the guards regularly. I am > certain that he reports > my every move. The captors have arranged protective > custody for him in > an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now... > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 ...I still believe my older cat is happy living with me. I found her sleeping on my bed when I woke up this morning... or maybe she thinks it´s her bed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 But now you know different , Edna ! That's great suff- made my day . My wife also like to claim that she is a cat - but that is a story best left unsaid ... Edna - she WOULD kill and eat you gladly - without a second thought - if her little cat brain could just come up with a plan ! Get a chimpanzee ... a lot less trouble - but they are bloody messy ! Wait - you already have two males in the house , eh ? Hmmm . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted March 11, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 ^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 Cats definitely have attitude, that's why I love em... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 if her little cat brain could just come up with a plan I didin´t know cats had a brain... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 I was giving them the benefit of the doubt -just as I usually have to do for Laurie . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 Hey, without my other half of brain Shawna here, I'm doing pretty good... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted March 11, 2007 Report Share Posted March 11, 2007 Oh yes , you're FIIIINE , dear- relax ! ( Nurse ! -Has she had her meds today, damn it ! ?! } ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iguana Posted March 12, 2007 Report Share Posted March 12, 2007 Q. Why doesn't a French man have two eggs for breakfast? A. Because one egg is 'un oeuf' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted March 13, 2007 Report Share Posted March 13, 2007 " Did you hear that Prince Harry , 3rd in line to the Britsh throne, is going to Iraq ? Seems he is going to join a tank battallion and help to pacify Basra . ( polite clapping and cheers ) ... Now , however , it seems the Bush twins are also planning on getting tanked , and are presently formulating plans to invade Margaritaville ! " - Bill Maher Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted March 13, 2007 Report Share Posted March 13, 2007 Q. Why doesn't a French man have two eggs for breakfast? My French man used to have four or five... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted March 13, 2007 Report Share Posted March 13, 2007 So , ' Not enough cholesterol ' would also be a good answer ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted March 17, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 17, 2007 there are quite a few similarities between Drug Dealers and Geeks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted March 17, 2007 Report Share Posted March 17, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenacious_Peaches Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miamisammy29 Posted March 19, 2007 Report Share Posted March 19, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted March 20, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 Dear Abby - I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are well-known street walkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But -- I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers, once she has a chance to meet them. In your opinion, Abby: Should I -- or shouldn't I -- let her know about my second cousin who works for Microsoft? Regards, Troubled Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted March 20, 2007 Report Share Posted March 20, 2007 I'm sure she'll dump him if she finds out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted March 22, 2007 Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 Children's Stories -- Monty Python One of my favourites. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted March 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2007 and at first I thought that Eric Idle looked a lot like Otto Waalkes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted April 5, 2007 Report Share Posted April 5, 2007 Medicare Health Insurance, in a nutshell: The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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