Blue Fish Posted February 7, 2007 Report Share Posted February 7, 2007 Twenty plus four of the ticking hours later and we're still here. Standing by the empty grave tears in my eyes you know I know he knows she knows all of us and them, us and them, us and them Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four he goes home and we go down Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four we go on but he goes down Twenty plus four Twenty plus four he must go down we must go down Empty gaves and empty hearts both are wide wide wide Morning, moaning crying, sighing Down down down down... Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four he goes home and we go down Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four we go on but he goes down Twenty plus four Twenty plus four he must go down we must go down Dig up the dirt and so the heart is opened digging up the dirt, and so the grave is wide digging up the dirt down down deep weep for your soul, for your heart for your grave.. Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four he goes home and we go down Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four we go on but he goes down Twenty plus four Twenty plus four he must go down we must go down standing by the empty grave tears in my eyes wide and deep and oh so black I stood here through the night you know I know he knows she knows twenty plus four of the ticking hours later what the hell are we doing still here? Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four he goes home and we go down Twenty plus four, Twenty plus four we go on but he goes down Twenty plus four Twenty plus four he must go down we must go down..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 I can't put my finger on what it is I like about this, but I do like it. I know that's not very constructive, but I just wanted to let you know that I liked this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted February 8, 2007 Report Share Posted February 8, 2007 Strangely, so do I (and I'm not sure what it's about). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 Without doubt, one of my favourite discoveries in the Creative Writing forum. Great stuff! (Splendid title as well) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted February 9, 2007 Report Share Posted February 9, 2007 I like it...very clever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted February 10, 2007 Report Share Posted February 10, 2007 Wonderful, Bloof. This is a hit song in the making, for sure. It's vivid, compelling, and I can almost hear the melody in my head. I like the subtlety, as well. You make a hard point while not spoon-feeding answers. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted February 21, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 Whoa, thanks! I expected it to get slated, I wasn't to sure of it. In fact, I was going to throw it away once I'd written it, but I thought I'll see what you guys think...I may keep it now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Wonderful, Bloof. This is a hit song in the making, for sure. It's vivid, compelling, and I can almost hear the melody in my head. I like the subtlety, as well. You make a hard point while not spoon-feeding answers. Well done. It's very good - however , I'd caution you about Shawna's comments . She's ALWAYS hearing 'melodies' in her head ( if you know what I mean ... ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted February 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 ... I was going to throw it away once I'd written it, but I thought I'll see what you guys think...I may keep it now! If you don't want it, I could maybe make use of it. What says you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted February 22, 2007 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 i says wait until Ollie meets up with me and makes a melody to go with it, if it works I'm keeping it, if it doesn't, it's yours! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 (edited) Melodies? Who needs'em?! Edited February 22, 2007 by Guest Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 The quiet air is heard and dark mood is visible as this is read. Great imagery achievement, Bloof! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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