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'Ex-Lax' - How was I to know?

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Over three years ago, I posted my following story on another site. Soooo... I did a copy & paste; corrected a wee bit of errors, etc.

Yes this really happened and it's not made up. You can call me naive all you want ::

* * * * * * * * * *

Well I might as well let everyone know. I'll never forget how stupid I was, especially that I rarely take medicine even today.

When I was about 12 or 13, I decided to sleep over one night at my one brother's place. They ended up having company that brought over their kids my age. And so, we (not the grown-ups) got out this adult board game that you drink alcohol to. To replace booze, we used pop; either Coke or Pepsi.

Anyway, we played it for so long that I had a bad case of stomach cramps. And for some dumb, insane reason, I ate 2 tablets of ex-lax because I thought that was the purpose of the medicine (stomach cramps -- TV commercial, at time).

The next morning (Saturday), I had to work from 8 am to Noon. Everything was going fine until around 10 am, when I felt this sudden and unexpected urge for the toilet.

Well, when I got in there, WHOA!! Ring of fire or what!!! Man, just like a horse taking a leak!! That first bout took about 15 minutes or so.

I went back to work (I worked in parts, and had to sort inventory cards that morning so I didn't have to do any hard labour) and not 5 minutes later, back again to the crapper.

It got to the point that the toilet paper was like sandpaper!! Plus, I'm still a young teenager and had no idea what was going on. Quitting time was noon and I still was in and out of the crapper.

Every time I had to go, I kept thinking, "How do I get back home without cr*pping my pants?" because the urge came every 10 to 15 minutes, and the walk home usually took around 15 minutes.

Finally, after my last visit to the toilet (about 12:30), I decided to make a go at walking home. I knew that I couldn't run for it would set it off.

And so, I punched out my time-card and headed out. Halfway home, I felt the urge again. "Oh no!" and I knew that if I stopped just once, it was going to come out.

I didn't stop to walk across a street for I knew what would happen!! 3/4 of the way home, I had to walk with my knees locked!! Oh man I was in pain, 'cause I really had to go.

I had my plan set out --- shortcut through neighbours back yard, enter house through basement door (and hopefully, Mom has the door unlocked) and washroom immediately to the left.

Well, I could see my house and a sigh of relief came over me. All I had to do was keep my knees locked, squeeze the butt-cheeks in, and keep the momentum going right up to my house, knowing that if anything got in my way would mean, well, er, you know.

I finally made it to the backyard. Yes!! I can see the backdoor, and the toilet is calling out my name. But wait, it wasn't the toilet calling my name; it was our neighbour outside watering his lawn.

I heard, "Hey there, how are ya?" or something to that effect. Obviously, I stopped to acknowledge.

Sooooo, while I looked at my neighbour it all came out. Frig, and all he said was "Hi", and that sudden stop forced it all out.

I walked casually to the backdoor (with a load of diarrhea running down my pant legs, onto my shoes, heck, leaving a trail), trying to act normal in front of my neighbour.

To this day, I don't know what happened next ... like, how did I explain this to my Mom, etc.

Ant

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:laughing:

Your whole essence was locked into holding off the move. Just one little, "Hi" was all it took to scatter your subconscious focus.

Hilariously good show, even if the neighbour didn't see it because you seemed:

Re-Laxed.

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I can sympathise.

When I was 15 I was in a pub (in those days people didn't care that much about licencing laws in the countryside where I lived, and beer was 50p a pint you know...) and a friend who kept horses decided it would be funny to dissolve Epsom Salts in my beer.

For those of you who don't know, Epsom salts are used to unblock equine constipation. They worked a treat on me too!

I sh*t my pants quicker than someone being offered the Baghdad franchise of McDonalds! I ran home (all of one mile) and left a trail of rusty water the whole way. By the time I arrived at home the total contents of my stomach had gone, and my trousers were sodden. How my parents laughed!

To this day I cannot sit in a bath with the smell of salts in the room.

Happy days!

Regards

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I can sympathise.

When I was 15 I was in a pub (in those days people didn't care that much about licencing laws in the countryside where I lived, and beer was 50p a pint you know...) and a friend who kept horses decided it would be funny to dissolve Epsom Salts in my beer.

For those of you who don't know, Epsom salts are used to unblock equine constipation. They worked a treat on me too!

I sh*t my pants quicker than someone being offered the Baghdad franchise of McDonalds! I ran home (all of one mile) and left a trail of rusty water the whole way. By the time I arrived at home the total contents of my stomach had gone, and my trousers were sodden. How my parents laughed!

To this day I cannot sit in a bath with the smell of salts in the room.

Happy days!

Regards

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Oh heck, why not:

Once when I was little, about seven, I had a very painful movement. So painful that I was horrified of having one again so I started to hold back. Well, a vicious merry-go-round occured from this.

I got into the habit of doing this so as you can imagine, movements which followed became even more painful due to it's size.

Well, I got to the point of thinking I'd hold it forever. I was seven and didn't share my problem with family out of embarrassment.

After three days of holding it I was focused only in not having to go. The urge was there but my stubborness prevailed. This preoccupation lasted 12 days! On the 12th day I was visting my sister in another town. She lived in a small apartment.

Anyway, my urge to go after 12 days is something that is hard to describe. I knew I had to go but was completely terrified of the pain that would ensue.

Anyway, I went into the bathroom and sat down. The grumbling in my bowels was so loud that my sister came to the door and said, "What was that?" I said I didn't know and would be out in a minute.

Then, the movement started. By God it wasn't painful, it happened so fast that I had to stand up because I could feel a different kind of push. When I stood up I was still going. I had to walk a bit away from the toilet and yet it still came. Finally, it stopped, falling onto the floor. Half in the water and a third on the bathroom floor. I'd say maybe three feet long.

I wasn't surprised. I expected a monster because of the time spent on creating it. But now, my secret would have to come out because I wasn't smart enough to deal with the remains.

My sister was let in, then her shock summoned the help from her husband.

A dustpan and broom was the first tools on the job. Then, a coat hanger unwound to dice the monster in sizes acceptable for flushation. After about four flushes, suddenly, the toilet backed up. Now, we didn't understand what was happening but somehow the monster reformed itself in the apartment's drain system and blocked not only our service but other tenants' as well. We didn't realize this until later.

Now I wasn't a plumber nor was my sister or husband but what came next could not be forseen nor prepared for.

The toilet became a geyser. By the time we realized what was happening we were covered by what was left of the monster.

Her husband, after being covered reached for the turnoff valve as one might reach for their last salvation. The only thing we could do was disrobe and throw us and our clothes into the tub and and turn on the shower water.

Everything was going fine until the shower drain started backing up. My brother-in law's first words were, "HOLY SH*TE!"

We escaped the tub with dirty feet. We then went to the linen closet and got all the towels in there. We wiped ourselves until each towel had no clean place. We closed the bathroom door and put on clean clothes.

My brother-in-law was scared to use the kitchen sink for fear of what might be produced from the drain so he grabbed a bucket and went outside to the spigot. While he was out there he saw a maintenence man with a plumber's snake go into the apartment just below us!

The neighbors which lived there were cussing and ranting about what he knew about already but what they could not possibly understand.

The maintenence asked my brother-in-law if he was experiencing draining problems in which he replied matter-of-factly, "NO."

He pretended to get the water from the spigot to wash his car and went through the motions. After what seemed eternity the maintenence man, after apparently clearing the drain, got in his van and left.

My brother-in-law told me what I had to do:

"Marc, if you ever have to go number 2 again then go across the street to the gas station."

For a long time after, it's exactly what I did, whenever I visited my sister, only I never created a monster again. Daily consistence was born, like clockwork.

I see my sister about once I year now and every time we, at one point, fall to the floor laughing and talking about the monster which once did the same.

We'll always stay up late and talk about old times. Suddenly, she'll start laughing hysterically mid-point in a story and say, "Remember when we used to make you go to the gas station?"

Now I ask you dear reader, would anyone be likely to forget?

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You people are hilarious. Let me share a quick fact about Peaches. I was on such a schedule for a while that my evening consultation with the Porcelin God would occur every night during Final Jeopardy. So if you came to my house at 7:25 pm, you would hear a disembodied voice scream out "What is Sri Lanka?"

:laughing:

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Did anyone other than me get a laugh out of the thread subjects in this forum?

*EX-LAX How was I to know?*

followed by

*The Tides flowed freely*

::

On a seperate subject, I think I can actually top this story. Imagine being in the military, on a field exercise, and a whole company being fed a bad batch of eggs! Yup, thats right a whole company of 30+ men (including yours truly) in the middle of winter, no toilets, with a bad case of the runs. I don't know how ex lax works, but food poisoning works it way through about every hour. So I guess you could say that night was the only night that our company didnt have to worry about anyone sleeping on guard duty! ::

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I just had to bump this thread because I had forgotten how funny this comment was...

Did anyone other than me get a laugh out of the thread subjects in this forum?

*EX-LAX How was I to know?*

followed by

*The Tides flowed freely*

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Since we are sharing stories of our movements I have a couple as well. They may not be as funny as some of yours but they have never left my thoughts.

I was in high school (10th grade, 14 years old) when I decided to forgo the usual lunch for just a chocolate thick shake and package of Twinkies. To this day I will never know how the two did not mix but back then I nearly died. For a period of 4 days ( I recall counting 99 hours between good dumps) I was in the bathroom almost every hour letting the brown river flow. I lived with my grandparents and my grandmother urged me to drink rice water. For three days I fought with her saying I am not going to put that stuff in my mouth. I was nearing dehydration by the fourth day and I started feeling faint (not good for a 14 year old). I finally broke down and took my grandmothers's old maid's remedy. Well to my surprise, like magic, one glass of that stuff cleared everything up. The remedy was simply made by boiling rice and then taking the water out of it before it took to the rice. Now you have this thick starchy water ( I advise adding some salt). Just another thing I learned from dear Grandma....and as always, the elders are always right!

My second story is somewhat funny. I developed a stomach condition which needed medical attention. It turned out to be an ulcer but before making the diagnosis the doctor had to perform a few tasks. He scheduled me for an upper G.I. series and a barium enema. Wanna guess which came first?

There I was, in the hospital as the P.A. prepared me for the barium enema. For those who do not know exactly what it is, your stomach is coated with barium to allow for good x-rays of the stomach. A tube is inserted through your rectal area and then air pumps the barium up into the lining of your stomach. Well, after a few pumps I started to tell the P.A. that I was getting real crampy. He told me it would be a few more minutes and I would have to hold it. He even said he performed the same earlier in the morning on a 96 year old woman who did not complain, to which I responded of course not as you probably killed her!! Anyway, after what seemed like an eternity (perhaps 10 minutes) I was already doubled over when he said I could now go to the adjoining bathroom. It was in there that I let out a fart which literally lasted a minute and a half.....non stop!! After going through all of that the doctor told me they did not find anything. It was during the upper G.I. series they found the ulcer. Upper G.I. series is nothing more than drinking down a barium shake...always ask for strawberry. Doesn't taste much worst than Kaopectate.

Moral of the story....always go with the upper GI series first!!

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