Sweet Jane 61 Posted July 10, 2006 Report Share Posted July 10, 2006 Torn and Tattered love letters tucked away the paper soft and fagile adorn with faded ink forever to you my link I hold them my heart flutters I close my eyes and you are here each word flowing with love these letters I never tire of the words seared in my memory each one a precious treasure tear stains are scattered the edges torn and tattered Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 There is a quiet ... a solitude here that not only enhances the theme, but in a certain way transcends it. Your choice of words and the almost urgent pace of the lines add another dimension of wistful yearning. This theme is not uncommon in poetry, but your treatment of it is uncommonly good. I do feel that in ending the last two lines of the first and second stanzas in rhyme, you have sacrificed some of the intimacy of common language. There is an awkwardness that does not reflect how your thoughts would actually be in this situation. There can be rhyme within the lines as well as at the ends. (We hear that from time to time in John Lennon's lyrics.) see below: Torn and Tattered love letters tucked away the paper soft and fagile adorn with faded ink forever to you my link read this stanza again with the last line rearranged to "my link to you forever" still has tonal rhyme ... but flows better and imo, feels more intimate. I hold them my heart flutters I close my eyes and you are here each word flowing with love these letters I never tire of One of the worst mood breakers in poetry is the word "and" try punctuation instead. Again, I have rearranged the final stanza line: "I hold them; my heart flutters I close my eyes; you are here each word flowing with love I never tire of these letters" It is a bold liberty on my part to suggest any rewrite, but I must because "each word flowing .." is slightly detached from the thought of the preceding two lines of having the person revisit you as you revisit the letters. Also, exchanging "every" for "each" helps avoid poetic stagnancy through redundant word usage, in order to set up your use of the word "each" in the next stanza. Reread it with this change suggestion and see how it feels to you: I hold them; my heart flutters I close my eyes; you are here every line brings you back I never tire of these letters ("line" and "tire" being the rhyming tones.) the words seared in my memory each one a precious treasure tear stains are scattered the edges torn and tattered This last stanza was perfectly composed; balanced and ties together all the preceding thoughts. The ending rhyme being a loud heartbeat. Very good piece, Jane! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted July 11, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 Ron, first of all you know I appreciate your reviews of my writing. And you know how I struggle with being content on what I have put into words. This poem was something I started about 2 years with just the first stanza completed. Over my vacation I pulled out those letters that inspired the piece and reread them not even thinking of the poem. I was soul searching and remembering a time in my life when a love held my heart tightly. Then I went to the poem and just wrote what I felt. I guess I worry about the rhyming from my days in college. And I must admitt that sometimes I feel it hinders me on expressing my thoughts and emotions. I welcome your rewrites. It was what I was wanting to say but it got lost in my concentrating to much on the rhyme flow. Posting this piece was a struggle, not being totally happy with the outcome, but yet I felt proud of it, mainly with the last stanza as you pointed out. Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice. I respect you and never will I not welcome your thoughts on my writing. Thank you Ron.....April Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucky Posted July 11, 2006 Report Share Posted July 11, 2006 Jane I enjoyed it before, and it's even better with Ron's little changes. It's the emotion, and the exposing of that emotion that gets me. I salute you for having that ability. You poem truly is lovely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Jane 61 Posted July 12, 2006 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2006 CeeCee...thank you girl. I seem to write so much about love and relationships, but that seems to be where my heart lies and it comes easy to express my feelings. And with Ron's suggestions I feel I can improve my writing skills. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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