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Stab me in the back while you look me in the eyes


patrick

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Her face was etched with infamy yet touched up with my ignorance,

My heart was the gum on the sole of her shoe yet i had never felt more envied,

Lies embellished by the scent of her perfume became my demise,

Yet my heart justifies the comprises it made with the neglect of my mind,

With its quick plumit to my feet led by the furry in the wings of these butterflies that have inhabited my heart since the moment your hand found mine,

But now my heart once made complete by this winged beauty has become the jackolaturn of your pain,

Hollowed and set outside the door for show,

McCarthy has taken his thrown inside my mind for every beckoning of my heart ends the same,

A pretty face is a pretty face indeed but is easily trumped by the glooming ugliness of every Eve's heart,

The garden of my mind is compromised by her longing for the red apple known as lust, lies, and neglect. The taste is sweet but yet poisoning and unquenchable,

Solitude is the only escape,

I will guard myself from you with the same passion i once chased after you,

With the same spark in my eye that once ignited the fire inside of you i once saw as the hebrew ahab,

A spontaneous uncontrollable feeling of affection,

How confused was i it mirrored ahab yet was no more than hesed,

A deliberate choice of feeling a forced affection,

I want to feel that ahab in all its passion but it will not come from your hand so i wave goodbye and blow a kiss its taste is bland but addicting.

Edited by Guest
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Patrick, you show a lot of talent in your assemblage that you have shared. Intuitively, I sense your passionate heart that is essential to all good writers. Definitely keep writing and sharing with us as you feel led to do. This group of creative writers and readers at Songfacts can help you by being a good audience and will definitely give you honest feedback. I suggest you read some of the work posted here by Sweet Jane, Daniel and others who share your sensitive romanticism to get a feel for how close your work is to what has come before you on this site.

On an informative level and as a literary offertory, I would caution you that using mixed metaphors can stir confliction within your reader, due to the added work it requires to accurately process; e.g. your heart is at once likened to gum on a shoe, a butterfly haven and a jack-o-lantern. All of these images must be justified and amalgamated by a caring reader. As it turns out, the mixed metaphors have themselves become a metaphor for the confusion you are feeling in the relationship described. I doubt this was planned, however, because you dropped this style in the last stanza, which I feel is your most effective.

Here is a great writing tool that I keep on my desktop and use anytime I write. Your credibility as a writer is only partially due to your content; the other part is its planned form of presentation.

All the best to you and your future efforts, Patrick. I hope you will stay on Songfacts so we can witness your growth into an even more effective writer.

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Her face was etched with infamy yet touched up with my ignorance,

I love this line. It got my attention straightaway. Ron's (Steel2Velvet) assessment is spot on, and you will do well to heed his words - he's the best of the best.

I see a great talent in the making here. You are impressively articulate for a 17-year-old, and it can only get stronger.

I admit that I did get a bit lost in a couple of areas simply due to misspellings and left-out punctuation, but then I'm a bit of a freak where that's concerned (I'm a professional proof-reader among other things, so I notice this stuff where multitudes wouldn't).

Your emotions are carried very strongly throughout. Nice, nice work.

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