Ender Posted April 29, 2006 Report Share Posted April 29, 2006 ummm.....enjoy, oh, and a bit of feedback wouldnt be bad :-) i find it funny how old familiar faces are able to cause such drastic mood changes and finding yourself in old familiar places is able to sway emotions in most cases weve all seen the tole it takes on the heart you already know how bad its going to end but its worth it just to see the start i sit in a sleepless haze and wonder if i scared you with my lighting or my thunder i didnt mean to fright you with my intentions i slipped out the words in a pathetic confession the reassuring grin in your eyes was no longer present your skin felt a bit colder and your heart beat a bit slower your hands seemed a bit farther and your lips a bit more sour just because of the words that came with my flower i find it funny how old familiar faces are able to cause such drastic mood changes and finding yourself in old familiar places is able to sway emotions in most cases weve all seen the tole it takes on the heart you already know how bad its going to end but its worth it just to see the start i said the three wrong words and wanted the same from you so i asked the dumbest thing, "do you love me?" you gave me such a long answer for such a short question i would have preffered a simple no than the brief silent tension i found myself holding your hand without being on the same planet things were going so well i guess i took it as granted i saw the color leave your face and felt the tears in my eyes i was foolish ever to think that you could ever be mine i find it funny how old familiar faces are able to cause such drastic mood changes and finding yourself in old familiar places is able to sway emotions in most cases weve all seen the tole it takes on the heart you already know how bad its going to end but its worth it just to see the start three weeks with only seventeen hours of sleep hallucinations that there was still a you and me i layed on my side each night facing the door wishing to catch some sleep and hoping for some dreams because now it seems to be the only way ill see you anymore lost twenty pounds and two months off of my life chronic insomnia and a broken heart changed how i looked at a knife i find it funny how old familiar faces are able to cause such drastic mood changes and finding yourself in old familiar places is able to sway emotions in most cases weve all seen the tole it takes on the heart you already know how bad its going to end but its worth it just to see the start in a drunken driven fit of pain and remembrance i stumble my way to the diners front entrance i sit in the same table in which i first saw you and who should i see as i glance around the room the rosy red in your cheeks has returned to full bloom a few too many brews has distorted my balance and view but still i was able to make out that you were not alone and it killed to hear you use that old familiar tone i get up to leave and for a second i catch her eye i felt oddly warm and happy but at the same time i thought i was going to wilt and die i find it funny how old familiar faces are able to cause such drastic mood changes and finding yourself in old familiar places is able to sway emotions in most cases weve all seen the tole it takes on the heart you already know how bad its going to end but its worth it just to see the start Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted April 29, 2006 Report Share Posted April 29, 2006 A very good exercise in writing, James! I like that you stayed true to your rhyme scheme and, until the very end, to your cadence and rythmn as well. (Much easier to form a melody around consistant cadence.) Your theme was maintained throughout and the images flowed well to follow your feelings and thoughts. The best lines for me were: "in a drunken driven fit of pain and remembrance i stumble my way to the diners front entrance" Good imagery and great word selections for the rhyme. Not typical at all. Very creative throughout. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted May 1, 2006 Report Share Posted May 1, 2006 Very different way of telling a familiar story...great job Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jman14141414 Posted May 2, 2006 Report Share Posted May 2, 2006 One of my favorite lines: "i felt oddly warm and happy but at the same time i thought i was going to wilt and die." Really good job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted May 3, 2006 Report Share Posted May 3, 2006 Excellent! I enjoyed it much It appears to have a chorus - is it written for music? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted May 3, 2006 Report Share Posted May 3, 2006 You´re very good, Ender... and I see you´re quite young too, you´ll go far! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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