Coffee Stained Puppet Love

[Incesticide]

Here's something I wrote about 3 months ago...

They wonder how long it will take

Where are they?

Over there,

Behind me.

Here's the water,

Drink up,

And swallow

Thought you might lay the claim

That belongs to you

Perhaps

The distinct possibility that you may in fact be right

Might have crossed my mind

Lets be vague about it

The possibilities are endless

Respect will be gained for both parties

And we'll both sound equally detrimental

So make it up later, anyway

Yet our opinions will never be equal

Nor will anyone elses be

And i'll maintain the silence

We'll enjoy it while it lasts

A last chance to write such structureless prose

On a nervous canvas with a white background

Onto which

I've awoken and painted

a scattered plethora

of multiple coloured paints

Onward strolls,

C*nt-shaped forest openings

Floral patterns

Blaming their metaphysical mothers

Without,

Grasping head or tail of any argument

That,

Converted into blasphemous innocence will correspond to

The virtues of writing nonsensical poetry of influential illness

But i'll decypher this one

Eventually...

The moon-like stares are back in season

Wearing off

Wide awake villagers

Standing drunkenly

Pale faced and petrified.

And later,

I might decide

That I like it here and I might stay

Edited March 4, 2006 by Guest
Please bleep bad language

[Steel2Velvet]

... canvas with a white background

Onto which

I've awoken and painted

a scattered plethora

of multiple coloured paints

That should be "awakened"

... if it matters.

[Jenny]

The next to last verse has a vulgar word in it that should be edited...please do!

[Incesticide]

For some reason I can't edit it... edit button isn't showing up, sorry.

If it helps, the vulgar word wasn't put there for the sake of being a dirty word alone... I was going through a bit of a Jim-Morrison phase. There are arguably artistic reasons for it.

But if its offending, i'll remove it.

Thanks for pointing out my gramatical mistake Steel2velvet, unfortunately grammar is a weak point of mine.

[blind-fitter]

I really enjoyed this piece. Good stuff.

Even as a sometime stickler for grammar, I would let you off this supposed error. If Kate Bush can get away with laxity in the use of a past tense, then why shouldn't you? Correct grammar is less crucial to lyricism than it is to reports and letter-writing anyway."Poetic Licence" and all that.

[Steel2Velvet]

Correct grammar is less crucial to lyricism than it is to reports and letter-writing anyway."Poetic Licence" and all that.

On the other side of that coin, good grammar is a hallmark of good lyricism .. and reports .. and letter writing. Good foundational grammar speaks to legitimizing what has been written. While literary license is essential to some forms of creative writing, the license is granted to an author aware of the rule they are breaking (unlike in the case of Nicholas' piece,) in order to use the broken rule as a device. I assure you that Paul Lawrence Dunbar and John Whitcomb Riley knew the proper syntac and spellings that they distorted in nearly every line of their work. To excuse unintentionally poor grammar in creative writing as literary license is akin to forgiving the architect who designs a beautiful bridge but admits a weakness in knowledge of metal properties.

As the work of a 19 year old, this is pretty good stuff. But to excuse bad grammar is to give a talented young man the wrong advice at the outset of his writing endeavors.

[blind-fitter]

I agree with everything you say S2V. I feel slightly chastised, but that's not always a bad thing...

My earlier post was a spontaneously jaunty gesture to register enthusiasm for the piece, pending an opportunity for measured reflection upon I'cide's controversial use of unconventional grammar and- let's face it- punctuation.

As I said, I don't take issue with your postulation along the lines that literary licence requires one to know the rules before one can break them.

I confess that at the time of my previous post I was not totally convinced that Incesticide's line is grammatically incorrect."Might it depend whether the verb "awake" were being used transitively, (to rouse from sleep), or intransitively, (to cease sleeping)", I wondered, as I was not certain whether I'cide meant that he himself had "become awake" (and subsequently painted...) or "had wakened ...the multi-coloured paints" (and subsequently painted with them). The latter seems the most likely meaning given his use of the words "onto which", rather than "upon which".

Either way however, I find that, according to my dictionary, "awoken" is legitimate as an adjective, but crucially not as a past participle. So you're absolutely right on that one, and my suggestion that some flexibility be allowed was totally inappropriate.

However, what of the idiosyncratic use of punctuation?

Prior to being chastened by your words of irrefutable wisdom, I would have allowed "literary licence" to excuse the apparently random positioning of commas, (particularly in the penultimate verse), on the grounds that I found the outcome pleasingly Dada-esque......Must I think again?

[Steel2Velvet]

Like you, B-F, I appreciate those who are willing to cause me to think and grow in knowledge. I have read your posts throughout SF and am confident of your communication skills. In fact, your subsequent post here made me reconsider whether perhaps Nick DID mean he personally awoke on the canvas (in which case, as you pointed out, the preposition is incorrect.) The rationale for my initial post was to subtley remind Nick, "Someone is looking closely at what you are presenting. You should do the same." But, I have no desire to wade into the pond of puncuation as it relates to this piece because I loathe critical analysis of the writings of another, unless they ask for grammar or punctuation critique. As you, I desire to encourage young people to write and express themselves in a form that will never grow outdated. There is a growing concern that many high school and even college grads do not consider grammar and punctuation as critical skills to success. They may be right; if they do not pursue a career in which writing skills are considered essential.

Nick's punctuation usage seems "stream of conscious" based, which means it is subjectively personal in nature and beyond correction. I can appreciate that since much of my writing uses punctuation to guide the reader to the rythmn I have tried to establish, disdaining traditional placement. But then, that is my license as a writer. lol

[blind-fitter]

Absolutely the most eloquent response for which I could possibly have hoped.

S2V, you are "the bomb"!

[Incesticide]

Thank you for the advice S2V. As you mentioned, the piece was indeed "stream of conscious" based - a great many of my mostly unfinished writings are what one might call "free-writes". Quite unfortunately, us maltese tend to speak in our very own english dialect... and I've picked up quite a few bad habits as a result.

As blind fitter pointed out, I tend to over-punctuate my pieces with a few commas too many, another habit i'm trying to correct.

This particular piece was written while I was under the effect of two panadol cold and flu tablets (I was ill at the time) and the rather unwise choice of drinking some rather strong coffee with whiskey - which might explain what the piece is about

My apologies for not responding earlier and don't hesitate to correct my grammar next time I err.