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HaVeAgReEnDaY

Truth is all lies

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this is like the third forum i've put this thing on and both said they were good... but i want real reviews! i want you to tell me the truth! good or not? great or the worst thing you've ever read?

TRUTH IS ALL LIES

If I tried harder

If I was better than this

If I would've woke up

I could've had eternal bliss

But now here I am

A lie

CHORUS:

A false person behind a false face

Been lying to try and win this race

But now I've been figured out

And the truth is all lies

If I wanted you to know

If I wanted you to see

If I wanted to show you

I'd show you I was me

But now here I am

A fake

CHORUS

I've supressed these feelings for far too long

I've lied about how I felt

I've been going with this lie for so long

I never had to deal, but I dealt

And now here I am

A lie and a fake

Standing before you

Help me change or are you a lie too?

Help me change or are you a fake too?

Let's change together

Here we are:

Two false people behind two false faces

Been lying to try and win our races

But now we've been figured out

And the truth is all lies

Edited by Guest

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Hi. Kat, welcome to Songfacts. I see you are a very young poet. Intitial items I look for from a writer of your age are spelling, grammar, syntax and punctuation. I have found that sometimes young writers incorrectly rationalize their lack of discipline in these areas by indicating the message is everything and all else is detail. In doing so they fail to realize that those four areas are the brush, canvas, palette and easel with which the imagery is painted by the poet. You are strong in those four areas of discipline (though you eschewed punctuation for whatever reason.) This means your foundation for writing is strong and I applaud that. I have seen so many (young and old) who do not even reread their work before posting to check spelling and then I must question how meaningful is their piece to them... and if is not; why should it mean something to me? You obviously care a great deal about the presentation of your thoughts and feelings .. very good!

I really liked the flow of these lines:

"I've lied about how I felt

I've been going with this lie for so long

I never had to deal, but I dealt"

I like that you work in rhyme here, not so much because it rhymes, but because it is a more difficult art to accomplish. You did not travel the easier road of freeverse. A foundation in rhyme will make your freeverse that much more meaningful when you adopt that style for a specific piece at any point.

As evidenced here by your heartfelt work, I so much enjoy the intense focus of the poetry of the very young. Your life has not been fattened by years of compromise and appeasement nor have you formed the wrinkles that come from squinting at subjects in order to see them in a different light. You find an emotional pinpoint and attack it immediately with all the passion you feel at the moment! This is a hallmark of the young that we writers who are older should attempt to emulate.

As for substance, you are very deep into an ages-old theme here. How we all feel at some point in our lives that we have deceived not only others, but most importantly, ourselves. Excellent theme! I stumbled at this part:

"And now here I am

A lie and a fake

Standing before you

Help me change or are you a lie too?

Help me change or are you a fake too?

Let's change together

Here we are:"

You ask if the other person is fake also ... good question, but you don't answer it here. Then next line you determine to work together to change ... again, good, but then you answer the unanswered question with this line:

"Two false people behind two false faces"

My problem is that I know this NEVER works. Had the other person been one of full integrity, THEN you could have said, "Let's work on my lying together." The reality is that if both are liars, they will enable one another to deceive further and further. I know you've no way to know that, but I am offering what experience I have. Just as two wrongs don't make a right; two liars will not follow the path of truth. What you wrote may work in the fiction of the movies or songs, but not in the real, honest, world. I admire the fact that you chose to have your subject character seek resolution and change from the dark world of self-deception. Some further second character modification to this piece will make it ring truer .... which, afterall, is what this poem is all about.

I encourage you to continue reading, reading, reading and writing, writing, writing. I have much experience in evaluating communication talent and I can say without fear of being wrong that you have a poet's soul. Stay with it and grow in every area of your life in order to share fully with your readers.

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Kat, listen to the advice of Ron, he knows what he's talking about. I very much liked the theme of your poem, probably because I have (and still do) have some of those same feelings, though I am much older. I read all the writings posted here, and know what I like, and have definate opinions about whether I believe the writer has talent, promise, or whatever you wish to call it. I would echo Ron in that you should keep it up, work and learn. If you were to go back and read some of his work here you might understand and be able to apply his advice. I agree with his thoughts on these particular lines:

I've lied about how I felt

I've been going with this lie for so long

I never had to deal but I've dealt

Those lines touched me, because I've lived that, and for one so young to feel that, and be able express it, impresses me.

Short answer, it's good, needs polish, but you have a definate feel for what you want to say, and how you want to say it.

Is that the type answer you wanted? For one so young, I believe you show real promise.

And...Welcome!! I love the youngers here, and enjoy what they have to say!! ;)

Edited by Guest

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I agree with both assessments. I like your lyrics. The only part that gave me pause were the words "false" and "fake." I wonder if there's a more lyrical way to say these two words, because they don't roll off the tongue very smoothly, and singing them might sound a bit stilted. Perhaps the word "insincere"? Although it's a longer word, it's more melodic. Just a thought.

Like Ron said ~ read read read and write write write! You've certainly got talent.

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:D so happy! lol! yay! at least some people can tell i read! i actully started really reading when i was 12... i started with the harry potter series :o heh... heh... i think this one is bad.. but hey! i can still try! note: ending doesn't make much sense and i'm thinking of getting rid of it.

APPARENTLY

I'm so bored, sitting here, waiting for my time.

I'm so tired, lying there, waiting to die.

Has my time come and passed?

How long do you think I'll last?

Apparently, not long enough.

CHORUS:

I am so tired of being insecure.

I knew this from a long time before.

When will my time come and is it too late?

Do I have to run or should I date?

What is wrong with my brain?

This questions gonna drive me insane!

Oh, do you think I am vain?

Apparently, you do.

CHORUS

Stop with your pity, stop with your hate.

In this city I'm gonna need your faith.

Help me drive out anger and insecurity.

Drive out the hatred and bring purity.

Apparently, you care.

CHORUS

Can I be anything or am I nothing?

Can I run and hide?

Can't I just disappear and not come back?

Can I come inside?

Apparently, I can't.

CHORUS

Apparently, not long enough.

Apparently, you do.

Apparently, you care.

Apparently, I can't.

Apparently.

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