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12 songs that must be banned

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BAN THESE SONGS IMMEDIATELY

by

WILLIAM BURRILL

Should songs by recording artists with criminal records -- or songs that promote and glorify unlawful acts -- be banned from the airwaves and rock video TV shows?

That was the question I found myself kicking around last week when I took part in a panel discussion on a MuchMusic showed called Too Much For Much.

If you've never seen the show,the premise is simple: you pose a Serious Artistic Issue, gather together a bunch of people who don't have a clue what they're talking about and let them scream at each other for an hour or so. So, naturally, I was a perfect choice as one of the panelists.

I tried to voice my opinion that Art Is Art and Censorship Is Bad and who cares if Snoop offed a few guys and, as for Tupac Shakur, any man who can take two bullets in the head and still be walking around is not going to get any arguments from me.

But the trouble was, I was seated right next to a woman from one of those lobby groups, you know, with a name something like Association of Ranting Strident Hissy-fitters Objecting Loudly to Evil Songs (ARSHOLES). And she kept interrupting and shouting down everyone else, insisting that rap and rock lyrics are corrupting innocent children and must be banned. She was very convincing -- so convincing, in fact, I confess she made me see the error of my ways. Because the more I think about it, there are some songs that should be banned.

Of course, we can't ban every single tune that is by a criminal or promotes criminal acts or radio stations would be left with a very short playlist. Gangsta rap songs about offing cops or torching variety stores are fine because people are simply missing the subtle meaning of the lyrics.

But other songs have clearly crossed the line of common decency.

So, as a free public service to radio and video programmers, I have drawn up a "Dirty Dozen" list of the worst offenders. Ban them now. Ban them often. So you don't forget, ban them before midnight tonight.

"Feelings" by Morris Albert: This song clearly promotes unlawful sexual fondling and groping.

(Tie) "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" by Sonny & Cher and "Johnny Get Angry" by Joanie Sommers: Both songs advocate domestic violence by losers with names like Sonny and Johnny and bad hairdos by women with names like Cher and Joanie.

"You Light Up My Life" by Debby Boone: What exactly are you lighting up there, Debby? A crack pipe? Or are you simply advocating wanton arson? Either way, ban it.

"Sometimes When We Touch" by Dan Hill: Hasn't our own Danny Boy learned to keep his filthy hands to himself, especially in crowded elevators or subway cars? School kids are hearing this trash.

"A Horse With No Name" by America: This "song" is a two-time loser. Besides its guilt as an obvious Neil Young rip-off, it plainly suggests cruelty to animals. "I've been through the desert on a horse with no name." Think about it. This bozo has been through the entire desert on a horse and has not even bothered to think up a lousy name for it. If that's the case, what are the chances he's going to water and feed the poor nag? Get a camel, ya lazy bastard. And name the f___ing thing. Call it, oh ... Gus. There, was that so hard? (I hope Gus bites your fat ass.)

"Baby I'm-A Want You" by Bread: Another double offender. This little number promotes both cradle robbing and bad grammar.

"Rocky Mountain High" by John Denver: Rocky Mountain High? C'mon, Johnny, who do ya think you're fooling? We know what you're talking about and it has nothing to do with topography or altitude, ya pot-sucking, child-corrupting geek. And another thing. Lose that f___ing 'do. Haven't you ever looked in a mirror, for gawd's sake? You look like you got plastered -- or was it "high"??? -- and attacked yourself with a bowl and a Hair Whiz.

"Young Girl" by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap: "Young Girl, get out of my mind/ My love for you is way out of line/ Better run girl/ You're much too young, girl." What? A song about some perv chasing minors around with his pickle poking out of his pants? Ban it! And send this guy to Diddler's Row.

"Escape (The Pi¤a Colada Song)" by Some Dink Whose Name I Forget: This song blatantly promotes consumption of cutesy, sugary drinks with tiny parasols and pink flamingos in them. Get a life, creep. And a beer.

"Take The Money And Run" by Steve Miller: This little ditty should be banned, not because it advocates knocking over gas stations, which is just good clean fun, but because it attempts to rhyme "Texas" and "facts is" and also "hassle" and "gas hole." A__hole. Hey -- that rhymes too!

"Yummy Yummy (I Got Love In My Tummy)" by the Ohio Express: Promotes unsafe sex, unprotected b___ jobs and the possibility of a cover version by Rod "Stomach Pump" Stewart.

"Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro: OK, "Bobby," if that's your real name -- freeze. You've made it very clear that Honey is dead but you've failed to explain one tiny little detail: What exactly happened to her? Eh? Answer the f___ing question, slimeball.

Somebody get a warrant and check this creep's freezer.

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You know I sometimes wondered about that Gary Puckett...not only the song Young Girl, but all his other songs too:

This girl is a woman now

woman, woman

Lady willpower

Don't give in to him

Daylight stranger

Let's give adam and eve another chance

this dude is definitely disturbed! Ban It All! :laughing:

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You know I sometimes wondered about that Gary Puckett...not only the song Young Girl, but all his other songs too:

This girl is a woman now

woman, woman

Lady willpower

Don't give in to him

Daylight stranger

Let's give adam and eve another chance

this dude is definitely disturbed! Ban It All! :laughing:

I think you can stop wondering...you're correct about him!

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This Bobby goldsboro classic ought to be enough to put an army away:

Me and the Elephants

I remember one day we had nothing to do

So we went down to the City Zoo

Just to kill an hour or two

Out in the good sunshine

But we had so much fun

We were glad that we came

We fed all the animals and gave each a name

We didn't even mind when it started to rain

We had a real good time

But now that it's over and you're far away

I miss you more with each passing day

All my friends sympathize and say

You'll forget in time

Yes you will

Give yourself a little time

But it's already been well over a year

And just in case you're interested

You might like to hear

How everybody's doing down at the City Zoo without you

Well, the monkeys forgot you

The hippo forgot you and so did the kangaroo

But me and the elephants

We still remember you

Me and the elephants

We'll never forget you

So I wrote to Ann Landers and Dear Abby, too

And asked their advice as to what I should do

They said everything that reminds me of you

Would all have to go

So I burned all your pictures

Except two or three

The one by my bed and one on my TV

And the one that I always carry with me

Everywhere I go

And today was so nice and since I was in town

I thought I'd take the opportunity to go down

And see how everyone is down at the City Zoo

And what's new

Well, the rhino forgot you

The zebra forgot you

The polar bear and tiger, too

But me and the elephants

We still remember you

Me and the elephants

We'll never forget you

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And the whole Honey thing. Pretty graphic about the death of the guys wife. That went beyond tearjerker straight to maudlin. It's a song for pete's sake! :crazy:

Edited by Guest

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"Rock a bye baby on the treetop, when the wind blows, the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks...."OK sister, assume the position and put your hands behind your back! You're under arrest for suspected child abuse!

"Ring around the rosie, pocket full of posies, ashes..." Hey you! Yeah, you Mr. Busker! Did you burn the body after you strangled Rosie? You're coming down to the police station right now!

" I am a happy wanderer..." You're a vagrant! And you're singing a German song at that! Git outta town, Adolf!

"Row, row, row your boat..." And just where are you making those children to row to? Is that a "Skull and Bones" sweatshirt you're wearing? Run this Satanist out of town, Bubba!

"Imagine there's no countries..." Imagine? Sounds like a Schizophrenic line to us! Wrap this weirdo in canvas and take him to das Krankenhaus! :stars:

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Leave MacArthur Park alone. ;) (The Richard Harris version anyway).

...............................................

A local AM radio station here in Brisbane, Australia has a segment of 9 songs on a "Theme" each morning at 9 am - Nine At Nine. I used to contribute to it.

The poorest taste theme I ever heard was "Coming Of Age Songs", eg "This Girl Is A Woman Now" by the previously mentioned Gary Puckett. Tacky.

.................................................

I borrowed my youngest son's car the other day, and the radio was tuned to FM. I heard some grub singing a song " I want to F you like an animal".

What a smooth talker! Keep away from my daughters. How do they get away with playing that? (Anybody else heard it? Don't tell me it's an Australian song - please). :P

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It's Nine Inch Nails "Closer" and the song rocks! :rockon:

Women like those kind of lyrics ? Whatever happened to good old fashioned romance and real song lyrics ! My son reckons it was his MP3 player, NOT the radio, and there is a "clean" version of it. (He's a Nine Inch Nails fan).

To me it's a bit like some of the "comedians" who substitute filfth and profanity for real humour. And no, I'm no goody two shoes.

Sorry Angel, but I think it sucks, and the only way it would rock would be if I dropped one on it.

:)

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"Escape (The Pi¤a Colada Song)" by Some Dink Whose Name I Forget: This song blatantly promotes consumption of cutesy, sugary drinks with tiny parasols and pink flamingos in them. Get a life, creep. And a beer.

"Take The Money And Run" by Steve Miller: This little ditty should be banned, not because it advocates knocking over gas stations, which is just good clean fun, but because it attempts to rhyme "Texas" and "facts is" and also "hassle" and "gas hole." A__hole. Hey -- that rhymes too!

Hey man, these are good songs; why ban when it feels so good to get away with it?

Currently still rotting away in the Audio-Detention club:

Big 10-inch record ~ Aerosmith

Tie Your Mother Down ~ Queen

In the Flesh ~ Pink Floyd

Sabbath Bloody Sabbath ~ Black Sabbath

The End ~ The Doors

Clear Channel's Banned Songs List

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