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Most entertaining complaint letter I have seen.


MarcM
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Hey UK Songfactors, is this guy the majority or minority?

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were sh*t, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - w**kers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

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  • 2 weeks later...

10 Ways to Annoy a Telemarketer

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked

because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my

arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my pet rock just died..."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.

Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located.

Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as

long as necessary.

8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy,

how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of

pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,

reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ... would

you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and

you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could

bring you a case of beer and some chips

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When

they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit

card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will

give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the

telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I

guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer

will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and Hang up.

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on

Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your mom?"

And first and foremost

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

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They used #3 on Seinfeld once. Awesome, but I've never had the balls to try it.

There's a guy (his name escapes me) who has albums of creative ways he's talked to telemarketers. The only one I can remember was when he talked about how stupid his kid was, and he kept yelling over the phone and asking the caller what he thought he should do about his kid. Pretty funny.

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