ica37sec Posted March 3, 2005 Report Share Posted March 3, 2005 please please tell me your honest opinion about this poem. i need to know if it's bad, needs improvement or if it's okay. thanks. SHUT UP I'm losing all my control I just want to go away and hide Cause I can't stand this pain My heart is so numb My blood is so cold And I'm bleeding so much hate I want to break free Cause I'm so sick of this sh*t So sick of this life Come on Look at me straight in the face Or go behind my back I don't care Go ahead Throw it in my face Say I'm a bad one Say I'm a f**k up Say I'm pathetic It's true I know So shut up My life's so hard You think you know But you don't You have no f**king idea What the hell I go through so shut up Cause I've had it up to here I can't take it anymore I'm on my last thread Yeah, my head's f**ked up inside It's true I know So shut up Cause I've had it up to here I can't take it anymore I'm on my last thread So shut up -JB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addictedtoclassic Posted March 3, 2005 Report Share Posted March 3, 2005 Sounds like a grunge rock song. Kind of Nirvana-like. The only thing that doesn't seem to fit as well is the two opening lines. Not sure why, but when I read them, they just don't quite seem right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ica37sec Posted March 3, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 3, 2005 what if i take out the line...i'm losing patience with myself....if i just take that i completely it will make more sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addictedtoclassic Posted March 3, 2005 Report Share Posted March 3, 2005 You know, I think that would do it. That was ultimately the line I was stuck on, but I really couldn't figure out why. It sounds much better without having it there at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted March 3, 2005 Report Share Posted March 3, 2005 I have read poems with this feel to them before. This is as emotional and as readable as any. It is what I term "the unanswerable angst of youth." Most of us have suffered through this at some point if beyond, say, 22 years old. I feel this poem would be more effective for the soul of the poet and affective to the reader, if you could get specific with your problems and poetically describe the reasons for the pain, not the results thereof. A nonspecific rant is like a small child crying; we feel badly the crying started and want to aid in alleviating what hurts. We must know the exact problem in order to help. Without this information we just want to get away from the noise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pete38890 Posted March 4, 2005 Report Share Posted March 4, 2005 It's not the first line, but the second that's incongruous. You are in my face and raging, so why the urge to hide? Beyond caring, you are outrageous, not timid.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ica37sec Posted March 4, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2005 so...if i take out the "hide away" then it will sound better...alright. thanks for all the advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karhul Posted March 4, 2005 Report Share Posted March 4, 2005 It's ok, but I don't like the theme of it. I write happy poems so I don't focuse on the bad stuff in life, hating myself, and expressing it in poems. Good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zaeem Posted March 5, 2005 Report Share Posted March 5, 2005 Its nice and welldone, creativity is a process in which practice is needed a lot, SO keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrampledUnderFoot Posted March 6, 2005 Report Share Posted March 6, 2005 It's very angry...I can't decide if I like it or not...I've written things like this before just to get the feelings out so I can understand why you wrote it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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