RyanTurtle Posted February 28, 2005 Report Share Posted February 28, 2005 Hey, I just wrote some poems. I think they suck, but everyone else says they're good. I need some HONEST opinions. PEACE OUT JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana: _________________________________________________ Amber Sky Standing at the fort where we used to play Standing at the fort, of the older day Watchin the leaves fall, like they were amber rain Standing at the fort, that's so full of pain We were inseprable, we were best friends I'd have your back, 'till the very end I never thought I'd see you die Falling from the amber sky Standing in the kitchen where we would play cards Looking at the scrapbook, memorial shards Standing in the kitchen where you took the knife Looking at the scrapbook, at your shattered life We were inseprable, we were best friends I'd have your back, 'till the very end I never thought I'd see you die Falling from the amber sky Standing at the tombstone at the foot of your grave Thinking of the life you took, and the sadness that you gave Standing at the tombstone, engraved with your name Thinking of how you lost, in life's twisted game We were inseprable, we were best friends I'd have your back, 'till the very end I look up in hopes to see you Falling from the amber sky _________________________________________________ All Good Things I watch the clock, wasting the day. Becoming another, suicidal cliche You won't notice, or even care. You won't see that I'm not there. The way is cut, the path is made. Destiny be done, my debt is paid. All will be over, in a matter of time. The clock gives off it's final chime. Fade to black, I say farewell. I can already hear, the funeral bell. This life I live, I prepare to trancend. All good things, come to an end. _________________________________________________ Alone I am through with you You are through with me We are through with eachother Will I ever find another Will I die alone Am I failure prone Am I sad down to the bone Will I die alone You seem happy without me Happy I will never be You will always think of me When you see what you will see I will die alone I am failure prone Sad down to the bone I will die alone Newspapers read local man dead A bullet in the head In a lost love's bed With the sorrow that she fed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt_Acid Posted February 28, 2005 Report Share Posted February 28, 2005 I really liked All Good Things. I read the first paragraph of Amber Sky. Really good stuff. By the way, what ever happened to that staying up all night thing you were trying? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanTurtle Posted February 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2005 Thanks. The staying awake thing lasted like three days or so......I don't know, kinda lost count. Finally fell asleep in Geometry class. PEACE OUT JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aunt_Acid Posted February 28, 2005 Report Share Posted February 28, 2005 Lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted February 28, 2005 Report Share Posted February 28, 2005 I really liked all of them, but I think Amber Sky is the best one. Your poetry, IMO does not suck. It may be simple, but it's very expressive. Keep it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanTurtle Posted February 28, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2005 Thanks. Yeah it's pretty simple. That's the way I write. Simplicity is good sometimes. People try too hard to be complex, it confuses me sometimes. PEACE OUT JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addictedtoclassic Posted March 1, 2005 Report Share Posted March 1, 2005 I agree that Amber Sky is the better of the three. All Good Things is all right, but instead of just coming right out and mentioning suicide, maybe hinting toward it would sound better. Maybe its just the words "suicidal cliche" that make it too obvious. Alone is nice and simple, but maybe a little short. The last verse fits perfectly where it is, but is almost sounds like another verse could be added somewhere in the middle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanTurtle Posted March 1, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2005 Okay, I made some changes to Alone , tell me what you think. Peace Out Jimmy Jazz :happybanana: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanTurtle Posted March 1, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 1, 2005 oops....it would help if I posted 'em, eh? PEACE OUT JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana: Alone I am through with you You are through with me We?re through with eachother Will I find another Will I die alone Am I failure prone Am I sad to the bone Will I die alone You seem happy without me Happy I will never be You will always think of me When you see what you will see Will I die alone Am I failure prone Am I sad to the bone Will I die alone You?ve destroyed my soul, you?ve taken hope away I will never blame you, that things turned out this way I will never heal, my poor broken heart I will always love you, ?till death do us part I will die alone I am failure prone Sad to the one I will die alone Newspapers read local man dead A bullet in the head In a lost love's bed With the sorrow that she fed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth-Angel Posted March 1, 2005 Report Share Posted March 1, 2005 Hey Jimmy, if you hit the edit tab on your posts, you can add to them and change them for up to 6 hours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
windy1 Posted March 2, 2005 Report Share Posted March 2, 2005 I really liked Amber Sky. Simple but very expressive. The others were good, and show talent. I'm not fond of the subject matter. I understand that's your feelings, and you should write what you feel, but I could not read poems with the same subject matter in each one. Try diversifying. See if you are as good with something else you are as passionate about. I think you are talented. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrampledUnderFoot Posted March 2, 2005 Report Share Posted March 2, 2005 I thought they were all really good. "Amber Sky" was my favorite, but I'm sure if I liked "Alone", but it does show that you have talent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addictedtoclassic Posted March 2, 2005 Report Share Posted March 2, 2005 I like the addition, it makes a good bridge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RyanTurtle Posted March 8, 2005 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2005 I really liked Amber Sky. Simple but very expressive. The others were good, and show talent. I'm not fond of the subject matter. I understand that's your feelings, and you should write what you feel, but I could not read poems with the same subject matter in each one. Try diversifying. See if you are as good with something else you are as passionate about. I think you are talented. Yeah, Amber Sky actually started out as a happy poem. I was writing it about me lookin' back on all of the good times I had with my friends, but then I ended up thinking about my friend who killed himself. Alone was actually written about someone I read about in the newspaper, who really did kill himself in his ex-feance's(sp) bed, and All Good Things is actually one I wrote after gettin' in a big fight with my dad. I was actually sitting there with a knife in my hand gettin' ready to do it. That's when I heard Blackbird by the Beatles for the first time on the radio, which is what started my journey out of a six year long depression. PEACE OUT JIMMY JAZZ :happybanana: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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