Foxy Posted February 16, 2005 Report Share Posted February 16, 2005 Feeling really really unbelievably low tonight, worse than I have for ages, and had to write it down, it's not a poem, song or anyhing similar, it's just stuff...just my head sorting itself out with all my friends. Who's head is sitting on my shoulders? Its not the one I remember from a few years back...it's sore, confused, and constantly dazed. There's always this ticking, even when trying to sleep, it starts ~ tick, tick, tick, tick. Is there no end? Doesn't it ever stop? Why can't I stop thinking? Thinking about the bad things, the past and all it's horrendous images, burning thoughts that have scarred my memory. They need to go, they need to find another place to call home. They don't belong in my head. I don't want to see a father emotionally and physically abusing his daughter anymore. I dont want to see a scared mother. The hands around the neck, the screaming, the shouting, the running, the terrified fleeing....it's been seven years, it should disappear now. The pain, the angst, the hurt, the mangled thing in front of us we call life. Talking, does it help? How can reliving the same bad experience help you to come to terms with it and accept it? It doesn't change the fact that these awful things still happened to you, and it doesn't make it easier to deal with. You still wake up every so often in a cold sweat thinking 'WAS THIS REALLY MY LIFE?'. If only he could have treated us better, what would he be like if he didn't use all his energy trying to destroy us? I hope he would be the kind of father that lots of people take for granted, the kind that accepts you for who you are, loves you no matter what you do and knows you are the most important thing in their life and that will never change. Someone how loves you unconditionally, and not according to his terms. Someone that isn't paranoid, and doesn't blame you for all their mistakes...my ideal... the one thing that would have made me such a better person. Not this mess, whining, insecure, unstable and paranoid woman I call myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny Posted February 17, 2005 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 Oh my God, I'm nearly in tears..... It's very well written and I hope that sharing your thoughts with all of us has helped you cleanse a little bit. Now, next time I see my father, I have to give him a biiiiiig hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Addictedtoclassic Posted February 17, 2005 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 I don't know what to say... it's very sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Posted February 17, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 I hope no-one feels it was too personal to post, and I don't want anyone to feel awkward when they read it and that prevents them from posting what they think... I was in a bad place last night and all these things just came flooding back so suddenly and I couldn't have them in my head at that moment in time, thats when I decided to post it. I certainly don't feel awkward about posting it here, it's my life and thats a portion of what happened at a very bad time to me, you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edna Posted February 17, 2005 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 I´ll quote Bryan Ferry: "post away your troubles, post away the tears". Well, he doesn´t say "post" but "dance", which is mostly the same in this case... I really wish that time will help you forget all that bad experiences... I can´t figure that as I had the most wonderfull dad... what a hero, quoting Victor Hugo! But I´m sure you´ll find somebody who will help you out... wanna bet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrampledUnderFoot Posted February 17, 2005 Report Share Posted February 17, 2005 wow, that was amazing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted February 18, 2005 Report Share Posted February 18, 2005 Benita, I can relate. I had an abusive, cold, distant father. Hard on all the family members, I was the only son and felt so alone and unmentored my whole childhood. He become my object of derision and scorn, upon whom I blamed all my failings until I was 29 years old. Then, one day I thought, "If I lay blame for my rough spots in life on him; I must also give him credit for any success that I have had." I then tried to think of just 3 reasons for which I might be thankful to him. Once I came up with three (and two were weak) I made a decision to show him unconditional love, where he could not do the same for me. It was one of the most difficult endeavors I have undertaken. Slowly, very slowly, we began to mend our relationship. He died at 92, with the last 25 years of his life finally understanding what a priviledge it is to be a father. And at his deathbed it was by then an easy habit to tell him I loved him. I thank God I did not let him go without this reconciliation begun when I was over 30 years old. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Posted February 18, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 18, 2005 S2V I'm pleased you reconciled, and that you were able to repair your relationship. I've tried many times with my Dad ~ I lived with him for 3 months, but after alot of incidents I packed my belongings and left as I couldn't take the abuse anymore. When I rented my house, he insisted on telephoning at least 5 times a night (and about the same when I was at work during the day) and banging on my door at 1am every few mornings when he'd been drinking. He would then try to pick a fight, say if I hadn't returned a phonecall as quickly as he would have liked. I couldn't win, I never have been able to. All those incidents while I was living alone put me on edge and I reported him to the Police for harrassment as it was my only option being quite frightened at the time of what he was capable of. We made up about a year after that, was talking for I think 2 weeks, and then apparently I blew it by deciding to go and see my Mum instead of him one evening. He doesn't accept people for who they are, I've now learned to accept that he is who he is, and although he can be really loving at times and I remember good times when I was a child and he was very generous, but these are all overshadowed by the constant fighting, shouting swearing, physical and mental abuse towards me (he once through me threw a patio glass door and pinned me in the bathroom by my neck after he had been drinking), and mental abuse towards my Mum and brother. I can't forgive for those things, I try to forget tho. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mairi Posted February 21, 2005 Report Share Posted February 21, 2005 Wow, Foxy. I'm glad you've overcome you past enough to write what you feel. It was bloody brilliant. Big hugs for you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Posted February 21, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2005 Thanks Mairi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted February 22, 2005 Report Share Posted February 22, 2005 Benita, I can't really relate directly to your distress having never experienced it for myself. But...it sounds as though you've done just about everything that can be expected of a child and it hasn't helped. Considering your dad's penchant for violent behavior and his failure to "get it" my advice would be to put as much distance between you and he as possible. It's not your responsibility to devote your life to establishing a normal, loving father/daughter relationship. Your energy is better spent on cultivating your own happiness. To do that you must be willing to cut the ties. You can still enjoy a good relationship with your mother and your siblings. Put Dad behind you and have a happy, fulfilling life. You deserve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Posted February 22, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2005 Thanks for the kind words. You know what really bugs me? My brother (who's 15) told me at the weekend that my Gran (my Dad's Mother) was in hospital because she keeps having mini-strokes and apparently is on her last legs (for want of a better phrase). My gran is exactly like my Dad, now I see where he gets it from! And I don't really have any feelings for her, she's a human being so I wouldn't wish her any pain or suffering, but I don't feel like she is family as I feel with my Mums parents who I live with. When my brother told me about how ill she was, I decided later in the day that I would send Dad a text message asking how she was. I waited and waited for a reply, but nothing came. Later in the day I asked my brother what Dad had said when he got the text - his words were : "I don't have to answer to her and it's none of her business" - WHAT!! I only text him because I was curious how she was doing. If she pops her clogs then my Dad will seriously lose it, it will be like a repeat of his fathers death about 10yrs ago when he was hysterical and extremely violent for weeks. I don't want my brother to witness that or have to bear it on his own. I would go to the funeral with them and I would bear the brunt to stop my brother getting hurt and having his relationship with Dad destroyed. And also, he's my Dad, you know? I wanted to let him know I'd be there in case anything did happen. But yet again he has outdone himself. Toby hasn't seen the full extent of the damage that b*stard has done but I have a feeling he will very soon... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
windy1 Posted February 23, 2005 Report Share Posted February 23, 2005 oh foxy,sweetie, I feel so bad for you. I can relate, in many ways. My dad is cold...very cold. Just this past year, I tried again with him, and nothing in return. It kind of goes in cycles, I get nothing, for years, then we'll try a little, then back to nothing. I am twice your age, and still have not learned how to put it away. Nothing really hurts more than a little girl who wants and needs her daddy,and knowing he really isn't there, know matter how old you are. I felt that way this year. It's easy to say put the past behind you, but the past is part of who you are, and you don't just put that in a cupboard and decide not to think about it. It's hard. I hope you will be more sucessful than I, and I wish you nothing more than the happiness you deserve. Life does go on, no real resaon to spend it unhappily. Love ya baby. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foxy Posted February 26, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2005 Thanks Windy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Please sign in to comment
You will be able to leave a comment after signing in
Sign In Now