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cosmosis

What if The Beatles didn't break up?

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I found this at members.aol.com/cosmicben/page

1970 The Beatles break up. Heartbroken fans around the world prepare themselves for an empty, meaningless post-Beatles universe.

1971 Citing artistic reasons, the Beatles convene for a 56-city reunion tour, featuring Keith Moon on drums and dedicated to their departed drummer Ringo. When Ringo reads about the tour, he demands to be let back into the band.

1972 The Lion, The Witch, and The Walrus, with mystical lyrics and a 20-minute Ringo drum solo, sells 8 million copies. The cover features a painting of the band in skintight outfits, wrestling a dragon.

1974 The Beatles release the quintuple-live-album Crawling Over America, featuring Peter Frampton on lead guitar and George Harrison playing a sitar that isn't hooked up to any amps. Because they stick to pre-1970 material, the album sells respectably.

1975 The band stars in its own movie based on the album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. The Bee Gees avoid the project and overtake the Beatles in several favorite-band polls.

1976 The FBI agent keeping tabs on John Lennon is reassigned to the mailroom.

1977 Inspired by the Sex Pistols, the Beatles jump on the punk bandwagon. John's blistering "Stop Taxing Me Mansions!" outsells the Clash's entire catalogue but doesn't do much for their punk credibility.

1978 The Beatles' Disco Spectacular is released, with Paul dressed as an Indian Chief and George wearing a Speedo on the cover. They later blame it all on drugs.

1979 The Beatles' Disco-Rama is released, with an eleven-minute remix of "Love Me Do" as the centerpiece. They later blame it all on Ringo.

1980 John's wife Yoko is shot outside their apartment. He appears grief-stricken in public, but the band's next single, "Boy, That Was A Close One", calls his sincerity into doubt.

1983 John has a torrid three-day affair with Madonna. She breaks it off when the other Beatles won't stop pestering her to interfere in the studio and contribute ideas.

1984 Paul offers to co-write "We Are The World" with Michael Jackson, who instead makes the hipper choice of Lionel Richie. All four Beatles end up somewhere in the chorus after Kenny Loggins' verse.

1988 Taking the summer off, Ringo tours with his All-Starr band. In a surprise gesture, John, George, and Paul join the band onstage for five minutes before they are booed off by irate Joe Walsh fans.

1991 Dozens of Best of the 80's compilations are released. The Beatles are completely shut out except for Kajagoogoo's hit cover of "In My Life."

1992 Plaid To See You is the band's mannered foray into grunge. Dozens of "Paul Is Suicidal" clues are placed throughout the album, but nobody picks up on them.

1995 George Harrison quits smoking and balloons to 300 pounds. Chevy Chase has a field day with "Bigger Than Buddah" jokes, but Letterman and Leno ignore the topic completely.

1997 The Beatles celebrate the release of their 50th Greatest Hits collection. "Drive My Car" makes its first appearance since the 32nd collection, but that doesn't spark much public interest.

1998 For the second time in their careers, the Beatles dress up in costumes and take on a fake name. Nobody is fooled, and they fail to get a booking anywhere.

1999 The band releases Rockin' The Internet, their shot at keeping with the times. It peaks at #178 and sells almost as many copies.

2000 In an attempt to get the band some headlines, John begins trolling preschools for groupies. His 15-year prison sentence effectively breaks up the Beatles for good.

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