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MuzikTyme

The Thoughts of No Time

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He never saw it coming even meant not to see it.

Funny how one can either imagine or put aside.

This instance was no exception

It happened without thought

Without contemplation

Realization?

By then it was far too late

To understand

That life truly has no plan

For you

Or

For me

As far as the eye can see

Is basically what makes that a collective soul

We, the tree, algae, Archimedes ?

Primordial soup kitchen without saucers or cups

Spoons knives, much less surplus.

What is excess? What is greed?

Inconsonance of the most simplest...

Need/s.

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This has good rhythm to it, MT. I am a bug on word "opportunity" and efficiency. Seems to me you missed a good chance at a more powerful descriptive word when you used "instance" ... that is a non-word in this case. Also the same for your use of "basically." I feel something else needs to be plugged in there to strengthen the poem, at that point. My 2 cents, anyway.

Nice to see you're writing.

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you used "instance" ... that is a non-word in this case. Also the same for your use of "basically."

Nice to see you're writing.

Hello, S2V,

Always,

I listen to your words of advice.

Though, besides "instance" and "basically"...what words might have you chosen instead?

Also, Laurie and...err...what's his name? (Kevin)

thanks for the nice comments.

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You're very welcome Marcus...

I'm no poet, but I do like to read poems from time to time....Like Ron said...I read it and it had a nice flow to it...I understood it...some poems are just way too deep and I have no idea what's going on in them...this one I do get...And now that I read the word "instance"....it does sound like it should be something else...what?...I have no idea...LOL..maybe "moment" or "time"??????

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I am loathe to replace an authors thoughts with my own, but since you asked for my insight, here goes. You have the premise of the poem (which I like) in the first two lines - great. The third line anounces the application of the premise to an event, "This instance... ." The two words together are redundant, which, in the compact, economic world of poetry, rarely adds to the reader's imagery and sometimes detracts. How about just dropping "instance?" The meter of those four lines is better balanced by a shorter opening line to the stanza and nothing is lost.

As for "basically," that is such an ambiguous (multiply defined) term used commonly these days in conversation to the extent that it doesn't read with explicit impact in literature. Did you mean "fundimentally," "initially," ultimately," "virtually?" The word could have all those meanings (and more.) If your intent was to offer ambiguity to the reader, then why include the term at all? Go with "As far as the eye can see/Makes up a collective soul" Just those two economic lines leave a wide open lane for reader interpretation.

But I would imagine you want a specific synonym for "basically," in order to narrow that lane and direct the flow of the remainder of the poem. Check this site out (previously set up for synonyms to your word) that I use extensively for polishing nearly all my writing:

Online Dictionary/Thesaurus/encyclopedia

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Alls I can say is, "Whoa!"

The admittedly poor use of word structure is but a thought surpassed by another author writing it.

I do admire words of wisdom and, Ron, you have many.

Thanks also to readers looking upon this "quirk" of work.

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I do too , though it starts strong , your 'scat ' is all over the boards , and your message unclear near the middle and end . Tighten it up . :thumbsup:

I, on the other hand, like it more towards the end. I really like the idea behind this. Or at least what I get from it :thumbsup:

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Cool, Tony.

I have to agree with you because, to me, the most important universal message in my poem is its ending through its last word/s; Need...needs . . .

I can't think of any living organism that doesn't need something. (even need needs something)

Thanks for looking in.

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