Blue Fish Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Signed with Regrets Ripped out still beating fluttering in a panic where are you now my love where? My heaven, my hell, my love. So long we looked at each other, looked and barely talked the snatched squeezes and closeness of cuddles ripped out my heart still beating You turned and walked away from me never once looked behind i stood on the hill and looked at you my eyes drowning my vision Turning away the cascaded came flowing down my cheeks unspoken pain and longing for you My love my love one glance all i need is one look a backward glance of longing one glance from you to feel my pain to share in this one thing I feel I didn't mean to fall in love not with you just yet I thought I belonged to someone else oh My love how can i tell you? If I could call you love i would to explain this situation I'm sorry I loved you I really did but i wasn't getting all of you. I can't share you with cageyness I can't share you with mis-trust I don't want that it can't work you and me, or me and him. I've made my choice through my heart i love him so much it hurts You seem to have forgotten me And so, my love, it ends right here with regrets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Very fluid and narrative, now find a band who can make a hit out of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted August 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 I'm friends with a DJ...maybe he can work something with it?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Give it a shot, I'd like 10% for the idea.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted August 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Ummmmm, can you have 20%? Then I know it's with someone who will use it wisely!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Viaene Posted August 30, 2008 Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 awww, that's sweet, I'll even take 30 if you insist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted August 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2008 Nopes. Just 20..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udo Posted September 2, 2008 Report Share Posted September 2, 2008 Okay. I like the poem, and I like the title. I just think that they don't quite go together. If the poem were written from the other person's point of view, then the title would fit better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted September 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2008 Udo, the point of the poem is that the person doesn't want to end the realsionship....they are doing so regretfully and sorrowfully...They are letting the other person know that it's a regretful desicion.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blind-fitter Posted September 2, 2008 Report Share Posted September 2, 2008 This is such an improvement upon your other recent offerings, showing glimpses of your poetic capabilities. The first four verses work very well: the use of language is genuinely poetic, with rhythm, structure, imagery, metaphor, alliteration, etc. After that it does tail off a bit into simple heartfelt commentary. Naturally, I have at least one gripe: "I can't share you with cageyness" I understand what you're trying to say, but I find it rather grating; only because "cageyness" is such an ugly, unpoetic word- there must be a superior synonym with which you could replace it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Udo Posted September 2, 2008 Report Share Posted September 2, 2008 Udo, the point of the poem is that the person doesn't want to end the realsionship....they are doing so regretfully and sorrowfully...They are letting the other person know that it's a regretful desicion.... No, I totally understand that. But, from reading the poem, it seems that the protagonist really doesn't have much choice in the ending of the relationship, but may not quite understand that. The other person seems to have already moved on. Also, the several poems I've read by you tend to be from this same point of view. I was wanting to see if you'd put yourself in the other person's shoes and write their story. Take it as a challenge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted September 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2008 Thats because what i write about has happened to me. It's useally me speaking in the poems because it's my life I'm ryhmeing.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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