Blue Fish Posted July 8, 2008 Report Share Posted July 8, 2008 I look to you to make this feel right again, I look to you through these bars of pain don't let me go, don't let me know, I'm a disappointment. In this cell there's voices that come to me filtering through the rain They tell my soul what I already know I'm a failure. Two years later and I'm in the sun You are standing near me You tell me true what I never knew You've always Loved me. You gave your life upon the tree My father of the light You gave your life to end my strife I will always love you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted July 13, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2008 Any comments at all? Does it have to couse some kinda ruckus to be noticed now-a-days? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Red Fish Posted July 13, 2008 Report Share Posted July 13, 2008 yeah pretty much im glad that you started off with the metaphorical cell motif and actually kept it through the thing but at the same time i felt like you didnt really do anything new with it like you mention bars of pain and whatnot but when dealing with a metaphor like that you have to be careful youre not walking on cliche ground so it makes writing that kinda stuff difficult its like if you were to write a poem about a rose the most common thing to do is to mention how BEAUTIFUL a rose is but how it has throns (i.e. throns are bad i do not like them) but there are some poets who change it around a little bit so its enough to make it a good poem for example william blake wrote a poem called my pretty rose tree that is as follows a flower was offered to me such a flower as May never bore but i said "i've a pretty rose-tree" and i passed the sweet flower o'er then i went to my pretty rose-tree to tend her by day and by night; but my rose turned away with jealousy And her thorns were my only delight also i like the line "filtering through the rain" just dont be so brash with the "i suck" stuff try to make it more subtle so that people have to search for that meaning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted July 17, 2008 Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=aaochA4mmAw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted July 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2008 ^ whats that got to do with it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 What's it to you ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 As much or less as your question was . . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 Quit stalking me, Muzik , or I'll have to get yet another restraining order on you ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 Please, don't worry yourself with paperwork. You've far too important things to consider. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 Why don't you go out and play or something ... it's a nice day and it's good for you . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuzikTyme Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 it's a nice day and it's good for you . Nice of you to remind me. What would I do without you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted July 18, 2008 Report Share Posted July 18, 2008 Probably stalk edna or someone else ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
_Laurie_ Posted July 19, 2008 Report Share Posted July 19, 2008 http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=aaochA4mmAw Kevy, I think you're in the wrong thread.... Very nice Bloof...I give all you poets a lot of credit for writing...I've never really gotten into poetry too much...I would never be able to write like you guys do....keep on writing... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Fish Posted July 21, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 21, 2008 guys can we please stay on topic? If you two wanna have a banter about randomness go to the games forum or something...........Thanks for your comment Laurie, I'm sure theres a budding artist in you somewhere!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uncle Joe Posted August 5, 2008 Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 It's not my brand of poetry but I like it. Especially the happy ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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