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Blue Fish

Untitled new Poem/Song.

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I look to you to make this feel right again,

I look to you through these bars of pain

don't let me go, don't let me know,

I'm a disappointment.

In this cell there's voices that come to me

filtering through the rain

They tell my soul what I already know

I'm a failure.

Two years later and I'm in the sun

You are standing near me

You tell me true what I never knew

You've always Loved me.

You gave your life upon the tree

My father of the light

You gave your life to end my strife

I will always love you.

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yeah pretty much

im glad that you started off with the metaphorical cell motif and actually kept it through the thing but at the same time i felt like you didnt really do anything new with it like you mention bars of pain and whatnot but when dealing with a metaphor like that you have to be careful youre not walking on cliche ground so it makes writing that kinda stuff difficult

its like if you were to write a poem about a rose the most common thing to do is to mention how BEAUTIFUL a rose is but how it has throns (i.e. throns are bad i do not like them) but there are some poets who change it around a little bit so its enough to make it a good poem for example william blake wrote a poem called my pretty rose tree that is as follows

a flower was offered to me

such a flower as May never bore

but i said "i've a pretty rose-tree"

and i passed the sweet flower o'er

then i went to my pretty rose-tree

to tend her by day and by night;

but my rose turned away with jealousy

And her thorns were my only delight

also i like the line "filtering through the rain" just dont be so brash with the "i suck" stuff try to make it more subtle so that people have to search for that meaning

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Kevy, I think you're in the wrong thread.... :shades:

Very nice Bloof...I give all you poets a lot of credit for writing...I've never really gotten into poetry too much...I would never be able to write like you guys do....keep on writing...

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guys can we please stay on topic? If you two wanna have a banter about randomness go to the games forum or something...........Thanks for your comment Laurie, I'm sure theres a budding artist in you somewhere!!

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