TheLizard Posted March 17, 2008 Report Share Posted March 17, 2008 Young Ryan set out on a steamer ship Bound for America. The ship hit many dangerous storms Along its dangerous way. The many aboard, they were all sea sick, But they faced the terrible sea So that they could escape the land of famine For the land of the brave and the free. Young Ryan set foot in Boston Harbor So happy he might die But when he searched for opportunity He found “No Irish need applyâ€. Young Carlos set out to cross the river Again for the USA. He too faced dangers in his path. He too saw a brand new day. He braved the roaring river And the scorching desert sun To find the freedom and shelter promised But he soon was faced with a gun. He prayed for mercy to his captors But instead he was hurled Back across the terrible border Back into the third world. And so, my brothers, remember Ryan And remember Carlos too. History repeats itself. What was old is new. America is the land of the free And the land of hypocrisy. We all start out as immigrants And then turn our backs on thee; The starving and the beaten, The broken and the lame, They knock on the guarded borders, And expose the country’s shame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted March 17, 2008 Report Share Posted March 17, 2008 I like it the only lines I found a bit awkward to read were The many aboard, they were all sea sick, But they faced the terrible sea what I really liked were the story and the moral though as Jack White once famously wrote: White Americans, what? Nothing better to do? Why don't you kick yourself out, You're an immigrant too Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted March 18, 2008 Report Share Posted March 18, 2008 Hi, Tim. I liked your adherence to form and that you maintained your rhyme discipline thoughout. This makes it easier to put music to a poetic piece. I had a problem with the redundancy in a couple of spots. For instance: The ship hit many dangerous storms Along its dangerous way. As a poem, using the adjective "dangerous" twice robs the opportunity to create additional imagery by using a second adjective, built upon the first. On the other hand, repetiton sometimes has its place for pounding a message home, especially in song lyrics. These lines, however, are awkward whether poem or lyrics: The many aboard, they were all sea sick, But they faced the terrible sea So that they could escape the land of famine Three "they" references in three lines are a bit much, since "they" is a relatively dry, uninspired pronoun. Perhaps you could replace a couple of them with creatively descriptive words to express who these people are. A good thing to remember in creative writing is that pronouns and adjectives are opportunities, not simply requirements or fillers. Your sentiments are well thought out and clear in your piece and I like those traits, Tim. It is a "love it or hate it" kind of poem, dependent upon the readers politics. But then, aren't all writings like that? Thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Baloni Posted March 18, 2008 Report Share Posted March 18, 2008 It's true, man, I've always thought that same thing. My dad is always talking about how the Mexicans have no right to be here. Well, what if a hundred years ago they didn't let the Irish in? Then we wouldn't be here to keep out the Mexicans... Great poem, man I always enjoy reading your stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Levis Posted March 18, 2008 Report Share Posted March 18, 2008 link Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted March 18, 2008 Report Share Posted March 18, 2008 Well, what if a hundred years ago they didn't let the Irish in? Then we wouldn't be here to keep out the Mexicans... If this logic holds true, there should be no White Eyes on this continent. None. Radhi, I love that cartoon. *Pow* right in the middle of the forehead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayzor Posted March 18, 2008 Report Share Posted March 18, 2008 Yeah! All you pale-faces can go back where you came from! We'll pack you all on boats and make a few trips! (of course I'm a Heinz 57... mix of everything!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Baloni Posted March 18, 2008 Report Share Posted March 18, 2008 Well I don't see the Mexicans waging war on us the way we did on the Indians. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel2Velvet Posted March 19, 2008 Report Share Posted March 19, 2008 I guess you forgot the Alamo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Baloni Posted March 19, 2008 Report Share Posted March 19, 2008 The what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shawna Posted March 19, 2008 Report Share Posted March 19, 2008 Well I don't see the Mexicans waging war on us the way we did on the Indians. educate yourself. Mexican-American War Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
c_s_1987 Posted March 19, 2008 Report Share Posted March 19, 2008 link That link made me discover what is now one of my favourite cartoons: link (WARNING: PHYSICS RELATED). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farin Posted March 19, 2008 Report Share Posted March 19, 2008 ^ "You spin me right round, baby, right round, in a manner depriving me of an inertial reference frame. Baby." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Baloni Posted March 19, 2008 Report Share Posted March 19, 2008 educate yourself. Mexican-American War I meant the whole winning thing. You know, the thing the Mexicans forgot to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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